I can’t put into words the array of emotions that washed over me while watching the trailer for Paris Hilton’s new movie, “The Hottie and the Nottie.”¹ First rage, then nausea, then blinding fury, then the nausea again, and finally, an overwhelming sense of impending doom for the fate of Western society. On the plus side, it loosened my bowels and took the finish off a desk I’ve been planning on resurfacing. So, you know, take that into consideration before watching it yourself. And I don’t make any promises if you’re pregnant. Your kid could come out with an extra vagina or a seventeen or turn out to be part demon. You’d probably be better off sifting through a pile radioactive blue-veined cheeses and smoking cigarettes made of mercury. Luckily, I was already doing that before I started watching, so I saved some real time.

¹_{Fun fact: This movie single-handedly killed “Smellavision.” Also two extras who happened to be midgets. The two incidents are unrelated.}

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