The impetus behind Pam Anderson’s surprise divorce filing this week has been revealed, and it’s because — dun-dun-dun — she’s a giant whore. Didn’t see that one coming, did you? Page Six says

Spies in Las Vegas say Anderson spent the night before her final performance with magician Hans Klok, “cozying up to” publicity-loving illusionist Criss Angel at club LAX. Pictures were taken, gossip was spread – and Salomon “hit the roof when he found out Pam was hanging out with Criss while he was off at a poker tournament. They had a huge fight,” and Anderson filed for divorce a few days later. A friend of Anderson said, “It was just another log on the fire. Their relationship is so volatile [that] I’m sure this won’t be the last time she files, but nothing happened with her and Criss; they were just hanging out.”

It’s a known fact that “cozying up” is just fancy talk for “pulling down your pants.”¹ This is precisely why you’ll never catch me “cozying up” next to a roaring fire. I like my lady bits un-charred,² thank you very much. Doesn’t make a goddamned lick of sense to get your genitals out near a fire. You might as well pull them out and then hand them them to Pamela Anderson or something. Wait, what were we talking about? Exactly.

¹_{According to Uncle Harold Thanksgiving 1988.}

²_{I also prefer Canadian bacon.}

Hepatitis C forgets her concealer last week:

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