There’s no denying the magnificent power of call of the douche, as illustrated by Paris Hilton’s assortment of douchetastic boyfriends. Reminiscent of the braying of a donkey or the primal screech of a lust-filled baboon, the douchebag’s song implores its fellow douchebag to commence the mating ritual. But what happens when rival douchebags sound off in close proximity? Douchebaggery aplenty, that’s what! Daily Mail says

Hotel heiress Paris Hilton appears to have a new fondness for famous fathers - after she was spotted with both the ex-partners of Britney Spears and Anna Nicole Smith. Just 24 hours after the socialite was photographed cozying up to Kevin Federline in Las Vegas, she spent New Year’s Eve enjoying an intimate chat with Larry Birkhead - father of tragic Anna Nicole Smith’s baby Dannielynn. While Hilton appeared to be enjoying Federline’s company over the weekend, on New Year’s Eve the socialite [preferred] photographer Birkhead.

Boy, that ought to get the old gene pool a-bubblin’! Larry Birkhead and Paris Hilton vs. Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton. I’d like to see the bastard results of those Punnett squares right there. A couple of centimeters to the left and Paris ought to be able to see what’s behind her without ever turning her head, so there’s a pretty good chance the kid would end up with monocular vision no matter who the daddy is. You know, where the eyes work independently of each other and span 360 degrees. Like Cookie Monster, if Cookie Monster had a grapefruit and a ping-pong ball positioned either side of his head instead of googly eyes and a nose made of partially-melted silly putty. Think “camel,” only uglier and probably wearing a Starter jacket.

Paris celebrating New Year’s Eve in a variety of stupid poses:

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