Suri Cruise Was Fathered By The Devil
Tags: andrew morton, inseminate, Katie Holmes, l. ron hubbard, scientology, suri cruise, Tom Cruise
Princess Di biographer Andrew Morton has another tell-all book about to hit the presses, and this one targets Hollywood-Heartthrob-Turned-Scientology-Overlord Tom Cruise. Morton makes several shocking allegations against the star, namely (via the NY Daily News)
Cruise, 45, is second-highest leader in his controversial Church of Scientology, and… 20-month-old [daughter] Suri may have secretly been fathered by late church founder L. Ron Hubbard. Fanatical Scientology insiders wonder if third wife Katie Holmes “had been impregnated with Hubbard’s frozen sperm. In her more reflective moments, Katie might have felt as if she were in the middle of a real-life version of the horror movie ‘Rosemary’s Baby,’ in which an unsuspecting young woman is impregnated with the Devil’s child.”
I imagine the time for “reflective moments” came when she found herself waking in a metal tube without her short term memory or her original hair. That’s a scary fucking couple of minutes, believe you me. Nobody’d cut my hair and I didn’t wake up in a metal tube, exactly, but there was this one time I came to beneath a willowy gray figure staring down with silver eyes and a mouth that spoke without moving. I couldn’t remember anything past four o’clock the day before and I had a distant feeling that I had once been wearing pants and not bleeding from the anus. Luckily, the alien turned out just to be a parking meter and I hadn’t been inseminated with anybody’s demon seed. I’d just taken a bunch of Klonopin and passed out near Broad and 4th. See, you can’t make babies in the butt! Science is almost always on my side.
Katie shopping with the devil child on her birthday:
15 Comments, Comment or Ping
agita
Didn’t all this happen to Mia Farrow?
Jan 7th, 2008
NahIdon'tthinkso
I’d believe this if that kid didn’t look so much like her slack-jawed yokel of a father.
Jan 7th, 2008
RichPort
I knew the Inuits had it in for us.
Jan 7th, 2008
abby
So L. Ron Hubbard was Chinese and had Down’s, right?
Jan 7th, 2008
p0nk
bizarre, i was sure i’d left a comment earlier….
TCstillLTC
Jan 7th, 2008
open mouth jones
That’s been my assumption till now Abby. You mean he wasn’t?
Jan 7th, 2008
me
I was gonna say a retarded nipper, but its all about political correctness these days isn’t it.
Jan 7th, 2008
sonya
So, when will she be receiving her bowl haircut?
Jan 7th, 2008
simpsonsistershavezerotalent
Suri looks nothing like Tom Cruise, but then again she hasn’t got her giant Horse teeth yet.
Jan 7th, 2008
CruisingforCock
TCLTC
Jan 8th, 2008
Dragulf
So… Katie is the “beard” and Suri is the “wig?”
Jan 8th, 2008
abby
LOL @ me
Jan 8th, 2008
JanIAm
I am willing to pay anyone who can inject me with a mind-altering agent guaranteed to make me completely forget ANY of the people associated with this bizarre and unholy union. I would especially like to forget the child, who looks suspiciously like a byproduct of one of the better-looking toads from “Magnolia”.
Jan 14th, 2008
James
STOP this nonsense. And stop calling this cute little girl “Devils Child”,
So her father is a Scientologist nut who is also a washed up actor. It isn’t Little Suri’s fault. I feel bad that she will be raised in Scientology by her nut job of a father. If anything, people should feel pity for this child. This child needs our prayers not scorn.
Her daddy–Tom–is the one that deserves our scorn and to be made fun of. Not Suri.
Jul 3rd, 2008
I am one spoiled chick
OK everyone, here is the truth about Tom…. Tom has a problem which has caused him to be unable to make babies. Katie wanted a baby and they had her injected or artificially inseminated. Nicole, refused artificial insemination because she thought it was gross to carry someone elses baby for nine months. Instead she opted to just adopt when she was with Tom, they couldn’t have any biological kids, but now that shes with Keith, shes had a baby… Tom was unable to get any of his wives pregnant. And each of his last three wives have vowed to keep the secret for his ego’s sake and for the sake of his heartthrob status. The truth from a trusted, anonymous source!
Aug 17th, 2008
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