No Golden Globes in 2008
Tags: golden globes, Katie Holmes
Like my beautiful, beautiful “Office,” The Golden Globe Awards are the latest to fall victim to the writers’ strike. People magazine reports
Organizers said Monday they’ve officially abandoned the televised formal ceremony this Sunday and will replace it with a press conference announcement of the winners. Instead of the lavish ceremony, the HFPA will now announce the winners at an hour-long press conference broadcast on NBC.
I cannot imagine a life without scripted Hollywood self-congratulations. Like genocide and Carrot Top, it simply should not exist in our day and age. Anyway, to keep myself from cutting, I grabbed my a couple of Barbies and enacted my own — totally scripted, of course — Golden Globe Awards show in my mom’s basement. You have to do the voices right and shake the Barbies when it’s their turn to speak and all, but I swear it’s just as good as watching the real thing. Here’s a little taste:
Blonde Barbie: Welcome here, famous actress! You’re so awesome!
Brunette Barbie: No, you’re awesome! And thank you!
Blonde Barbie: No, thank you!
Other Blonde Barbie: How gorgeous am I? God, I love myself!
Blonde Barbie: Awesome!
Brunette Barbie: And now, a tribute to ___ famous person.
(Lights dim)
(Lights up)
Other Blonde Barbie (sighs): God, he was awesome, wasn’t he?
Brunette Barbie: Totally awesome.
Blonde Barbie: Is that Zac Posen you’re wearing?
Brunette Barbie: No, it’s Max Azria Altier!
Blonde Barbie: Awesome!
Other Blonde Barbie (seriously): But Africa.
Brunette Barbie: Darfur Dalai Lama.
Blonde Barbie: It’s pronounced High-GUL.
Brunette Barbie: AIDS!
Other Blonde Barbie: It’s about time for me to make myself throw up again.
All Barbies Together: Awesome!
That’s about the time you pause for a seven-minute commercial break. See? All the scripting you could ever want, and you can make Blonde Barbie and Brunette Barbie make out at the end.
EDITOR’S NOTE: The Critic’s Choice Awards, however, were NOT affected by the writer’s strike. Click here for a complete list of the night’s winners, and enjoy surrogate of the devil Kate Holmes presenting in John Belushi’s new line of formal wear:
7 Comments, Comment or Ping
open mouth jones
It’s about time for my daily purge, too! THANKS A MILL for the reminder, Abby.
Jan 8th, 2008
BarbadoSlim
Are you sure that brunette one is a “barbie”? It could be one of her friends, I know because my Big Jim and Dr Steel would kidnap them and hold them for ransom in Jim’s Sports Camper
Jan 8th, 2008
p0nk
TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!
Jan 8th, 2008
Dragulf
Didn’t Katie have a 12 month pregnancy with Suri? Cruise… OMG! I just figured it out! cRUISe = RUIS = SURI. That’s how they got her name!!!
Jan 8th, 2008
Black And White
sexy! I have ever seen her hot video at blackcentury.com. It is a niche interracial dating site. It is said that she had a profile there
Jan 9th, 2008
nordo
Cruise Katie Alien fugchild
Jan 9th, 2008
bionic bunny
you know, abby, you can cut a ken dolls feet off at the knees, glue his shoes back on, and TA-DA!
the gay midget himself!! think of the fun chats he and katie doll could have! i’d even suggest putting something on you-tube but those pesky scientologists would bury you in an unmarked grave in the back forty.
other that that, the possibilities are endless!!
and i have a theory about the golden globes. it has nothing to do with the writer’s strike. the fact is, they took a vote and decided that NOBODY wanted to look at rumer willis that long. thank god sanity prevailed.
Jan 9th, 2008
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