“Atonement”

Didn’t see it.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture – Drama:

Julie Christie in “Away From Her”

Uh, I’m pretty sure Julie Christie is dead. Do your research, people.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture – Drama:

Daniel Day-Lewis in “There Will Be Blood”

I heard Daniel Day-Lewis has an eleven-inch penis. True story. This could explain the win.

Best Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy:

“Sweeney Todd”

I think a better name would have been “Teeny Cod.” And it should have been about Johnny Depp doing jumping jacks in a tiny codpiece.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy:

Marion Cotillard in “La Vie En Rose”

That’s a joke, right?

Best Performance by an Actor in a Motion Picture - Musical or Comedy:

Johnny Depp in “Sweeney Todd”

Speaking of Johnny Depp, I once did a two-act play of “Cry Baby” with sock puppets and my neighbor’s Maltese.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role:

Cate Blanchett in “I’m Not There”

I wasn’t there, either.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role:

Javier Bardem in “No Country For Old Men”

I’m pretty sure that’s a typo. Should be Javier Bordem. Anyway, didn’t see it. I heard there weren’t any boobs.

Best Director - Motion Picture:

Julian Schnabel for “The Diving Bell And The Butterfly”

Schanabel, from the German meaning “My balls are made of dandelion fluff.”

Best Animated Feature Film:

“Ratatouille”

I was high through most of that. I’m pretty sure it was a cartoon. Could have used a little more Daniel Day-Lewis wiener.

“Mad Men”

Who?

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series – Drama:

Glenn Close in “Damages”

Look, we’ve gone over this. See Julie Christie.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series – Drama:

Jon Hamm in “Mad Men”

You people are starting to piss me off.

Best Television Series - Musical or Comedy:

“Extras”

Okay, not “The Office,” but I’ll take it.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Television Series — Comedy:

Tina Fey in “30 Rock”

Fun Fact: This show will be canceled by this time next year.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Television Series — Comedy:

David Duchovny in “Californication”

Whatever. I don’t have cable.

Best Performance by an Actress in a Mini-series or Made for TV Movie:

Queen Latifah in “Life Support”

Seriously, is this even a real category?

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role in aMini-series or Made for TV Movie:

Samantha Morton in “Longford”

Fun Fact: “Longford” was Daniel Day-Lewis’ nickname in high school.

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role in a Mini-series or Made for TV Movie:

Jeremy Piven in “Entourage”

Fun Fact: “Teeny Cod” was Jeremy Piven’s nickname in high school.