Look, I tried. I really did. I wanted to make it a whole day without another fucking Britney Spears post, but unfortunately, the fates aren’t on my side today. This time she went shopping in torn fishnets — without underpants — at two in the morning and again with the fake British accent (you can listen for yourself after the jump). Us Weekly gives us a recap of the evening:

Photographers began shouting questions [as she left Ralph's supermarket around midnight].

Q: Britney, what do you want to say to Adnan on TV?
B: (Thinks for a second) “I think he’s a nice person.”
Q: What was the result of your pregnancy test?
B: “I never had a pregnancy test.”
Q: Britney, what are you going to do now? Go to college?
B: (sighing) “Oh, I wish I was in college.”
Q: “Britney, you don’t like black guys?
B: “Yeah, I like black guys.”

At 2 a.m., Spears, Lutfi and another pal hit L.A.’s Kitson’s Men’s store… [which] was opened just for them. Spears came out wearing a men’s pin-striped shirt and black skinny tie, her hair in a messy bun.

Minus pants. Us Weekly left that part out. Also minus underpants. But then BFF of two months Sam Lufti gave Ryan Seacrest his version of it this morning, and of course it all made sense:

When asked if the late night spree at L.A.’s Kitson was “retail therapy,” Lutfi said, “that was pretty much what it was.”

What prompted the late night rendezvous?

“Boredom.”

And those photos of Spears shopping for pregnancy tests with paparazzo beau Adnan Ghalib?

“I don’t even know what the hell that was. I don’t know if they even bought one… I think it was probably for Chad.” (Chad Hardcastle is Lutfi’s friend who accompanied them Wednesday.)

Does Spears want another kid?

“No, no, no, no, no, no. No, not at all.”

As for reports Spears wants to marry Ghalib:

“That’s not true.”

At another point during the interview, Lutfi enters Spears’ room as she prepares to shower (she showers?) and she bleats

“Get out! I’m naked. Get out! I stink, ’cause I’m a human being. Shut the door, I’m nasty!”

There’s nothing left for me here. God bless. You could give a African silver back a car and a credit card and turn it loose in L.A. and its night would have only been half as chaotic and bizarre as Britney’s. A gorilla wouldn’t try on a foreign accent when flashbulbs started going off in its face or change outfits twice in one evening after an 100 mile-an-hour car chase. It’d just start bashing nearby vehicles and screeching and scaling buildings, maybe hurl the occasional handful of feces at a pap that got too close. Even a simian has its dignity, you know. That’s why you won’t find any monkeys in Steven Seagal movies.

Listen to the whole interview here.

The boredom-fueled, panty-free two a.m. shopping spree:

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