Now, for my favorite part of completely useless red carpet productions like the Screen Actors’ Guild Awards last night: making fun of the celebrities and their overpriced couture dresses! I deemed Ally McBeal actress Jane Krakowski “Ugly Cake Taker” for this year’s SAGs. And boy, sags is right. That could be one of the most unflattering necklines and décolletage displays I’ve ever seen. She looks like she ought to be rotating on a spit with an apple stuffed in her big ugly pie hole. It’d be better if instead of the ruching there were coconuts and some girthy Hawaiians about to dump her in a volcano. You know, appease the gods of fashion. Namely me. I demand sacrifice!

The bad, the worse, and what-the-fuck-is-that? after the jump

I’ve always thought Rebecca Romijn was a stone cold fox. But I hate her hair here! Hate it. That’s a Church of Christ preacher pompadour if I ever saw one. Her dress is only tolerable at best. Something about that circle in the middle reminds me of a superhero outfit. Plus, it looks like Christina Aguilera did her makeup:

It’s like Drea de Mateo and my Jewish uncle mated and named it Rebecca Gayheart. Nice hair. Don’t even get me started on the dress. Tutus and tissue paper do NOT a lovely gown make:

Lisa Rinna is a gay man trapped in a woman’s body. She’s got the subtle chicness and savoir faire of Richard fucking Simmons:

Kate Hudson is modeling from the Harley Davidson muumuu line:

Poor, poor Jenna Fischer. She has yet to succeed on the red carpet. This dress doesn’t fit properly, draws attention to her lower abdomen and does nothing for her awesome rack. Whoever invented downward slant ruching should be shot. See Jane Krakowski:

Eva Longoria always looks like a tranny to me. It’s the open casket makeup. Everything looks so goddamn fake. Her lips are always too pale and her eyebrows too short and pointy. If she could wear Pam Anderson like a dress I bet she would:

Cate Blanchett usually does no wrong on the red carpet. I know she’s pregnant and everything, but that totally looks like she took some Laura Ashley bed linens and made a dress out of it:

Amanda Bynes looks like she just came off the set of some cheesy princess movie. Her dress looks like a costume. All she’s missing is the big pointy hat with the veil. Trick or fuckin’ treat, y’all:

Viggo Mortensen, Scottish matador? Sandra Oh, God’s gift to Scottish matadors everywhere:

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