Mar 10, 2008

Britney Spears Has a Stalker

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Britney Spears has acquired her very own deranged stalker! What started out as the occasional bizarre letter has escalated to bi-weekly package deliveries in the last six weeks. According to OK! Magazine

“The first thing you see when you open the box is a huge, lavender, battery-operated sex toy…. and two [threatening and pornographic] letters. The handwritten one is on note paper and it’s written in all-caps chicken scratch,” says the source. The [other] typed letter contains vivid, pornographic details of the writer’s fantasy exploits with Britney.

The scariest item inside the package is what [appears] to be a picture of the sender — a middle-aged caucasian male with stringy, greasy hair — with the eyes cut out of the photo, in which he [is] squirting some sort of yellowish liquid into his open mouth. “It’s like something from a bad movie,” says the source. “If I hadn’t seen it myself, I wouldn’t believe it.”

The guy sounds less like a deranged stalker and more like a dream response to a Britney-themed personal ad. Penchant for processed foods with nozzle dispensers? Check. Aversion to bathing? Check. Arsenal of sex-toys in pastel colors? Check, check, check. The only way this guy could be any more perfect is if he came with a Hickory Farms Beef & Cheese basket and dreams of rap stardom.

Britney Spears heading to Off Broadway for a little discount shoe shopping:

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9 Comments, Comment or Ping

  1. sonyaNo Gravatar

    Shut up, you overseas customer service reject.

    Maybe next time her stalker could send her some pants.

    Mar 10th, 2008

  2. RichPortNo Gravatar

    Hey, Chester Cheetah is not a stalker.

    Mar 10th, 2008

  3. nordoNo Gravatar

    Has anyone checked daddy for prints?

    Mar 10th, 2008

  4. open mouth jonesNo Gravatar

    I love how she’s like “Hey, y’all! Look at my fivehead. Yeah, see I can fit 5 of my fat little fingers up here! That means I’m smart y’all!”

    And seriously, if I was any more familiar with her undercarriage, I’d be like the “Google maps” of Brit’s junk.

    Mar 10th, 2008

  5. PleaseTrimYourNoseHairs!No Gravatar

    Brit, PLEASE BUY SOME NEW F*CKING BOOTS ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Mar 10th, 2008

  6. bionic bunnyNo Gravatar

    i’ll bet it’s the guy at the 76 station.

    Mar 10th, 2008

  7. acNo Gravatar

    Believe or not, Britney will still rock the year 2008. Her profile was found on the dating site mixedfriends.com last week. It seems Britney is seeking true love now.

    Mar 10th, 2008

  8. JoadanNo Gravatar

    She is super sexy. I am wondering why she leave her profile in millonaire dating site” W e a l t h y L o v i n g . c o m”.Is she searching her true love in this site?Is she single now?

    Mar 12th, 2008

  9. MikeNo Gravatar

    well my name is Mike and i collect autographs of the stars i like Brit so shes one of them, She is GREAT. about 3 weeks before Brit changed i had sent her a letter and a prestamped envolope asking for her autographed photo. on the envolope i put her picture, she returned to me i was so happy till i opened it and found the little picture of her that i printed on the envolope with her hair scribbled off and a beard drawn on it and she wrote on it ” leave me alone you pervert” well now i know why she did that, cause i am from mn!! if she were to read this i want her to know she is the greatest, and do not worry what the media says they are in it for the ratings and that is all

    Apr 7th, 2008

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