Jailed junkie Blake Civil-Fielder is plotting to divorce Amy Winehouse so he can live off the fat of her albums for the rest of his days. At his going rate, that’s about three and a half more years, tops. London’s The Sun reports

He is set to demand at least $6 million as a divorce settlement, telling his lawyers he wants $500,000 for each month of their year-long marriage — despite being in jail for part of it. A friend said: “Blake is convinced that Amy owes him big time. He is telling everyone that he’s got millions coming to him. She’s his meal ticket for life.”

I don’t know who he thinks he’s kidding. One look into those bloodshot eyes and a kiss from those peeling lips and his heart’s going to melt. There’s no resisting the simian way she moves or that trail of little curlies leading down from her navel. It’s like iron trying shed the orbital angular motion of its electrons, and in so doing, shun the beckoning call of the magnetic field. Impossible! But soft, what light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Amy Winehouse is the sun! Yes, you’ve just entered (dun dun DUN) The Ninth Grade Earth Science and Brit Lit Zone. A dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity, the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, between home ec and study hall. Now all your hall passes will be mine! Mwah hah hah hah ha!

Working her magic in Oxfordshire:

Related Stories

• Amy Winehouse Snorts Cocaine on Video
• Amy Winehouse Rehabs to Be Near Blake
• Amy Winehouse is Kind to Strangers
• No Ben and Jerry’s for Amy Winehouse
• Amy Winehouse Hospitalized Again