Jessica Simpson is handling the news of ex-boyfriend John Mayer’s new relationship with Jennifer Aniston the way most of the dumped do — drinking herself retarded and calling for mom. According to Us Weekly

The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina… that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home (for good measure, [best friend] CaCee Cobb threw up under the table).

She’s on the right track with boozing and everything, but if she really wants to punish him good, the trick is to also fuck a lot of random dudes. Really, the more dudes the better. Two at once, if you can. His best friend. His boss. That guy he plays ball with on the weekends. Then get a registered firearm and threaten to kill yourself after shooting out his front tires at two in the morning. Believe me, if there’s one thing guys like, it’s drama. I’ve been married three times, so I should know.