Oprah Gives Up Meat For 21 Days
Tags: kathy freston, meat, oprah, quantum wellness
Inspired by Kathy Freston’s book “Quantum Wellness,” talk show host Oprah Winfrey has decided to go vegan for 21 days and blog the entire meat-detoxification journey. Us Weekly obtained a few excerpts from her blog, which I’ve taken the liberty of translating for you. Oprah says:
“Wow, wow, wow! I never imagined meatless meals could be so satisfying!
Translation: Unbelievable gas.
I had been focused on what I had to give up — sugar, gluten, alcohol, meat, chicken, fish, eggs, cheese.
Translation: Did I mention the diarrhea?
‘What’s left?’ I thought.
Translation: It sounds like I’m unloading a tommy gun on the toilet. And the burning. Oh, God — the burning.
Apparently a lot.
Translation: My anus literally smokes when I’m finished.
I can honestly say every meal was a surprise and a delight.
Translation: Can still clear a room from fifty paces. Seventy-five if I’ve had sprouts. People are starting to avoid me.
This 21-day cleanse gives me a chance to think about [eating] differently and see what my attachments are to certain kinds of foods – and what I’m willing to do to change.”
Translation: I’m in hell, and my rectum is the devil.
You, too, could join in the meat-detox process like Kathy and Oprah, or you could just stick an lit M-80 in your pooper and give the ol’ colon a run for its money. I’d say they’re equally fun endeavors.
11 Comments, Comment or Ping
RhymesWithSilver
Um, I think you’re a little bit off here. If you’re vegan and you eat the right things and it’s all cooked properly, you should be fine. I still eat meat, but get most of my protein from other sources. A meat-heavy diet causes wayyyy more digestive mayhem than a plant-based one. Go ahead and share a bathroom with someone on the Atkins diet and you’ll be whistling a different tune.
May 23rd, 2008
nordo
I thought she gave up meat when she met Steadman
May 23rd, 2008
Camp Herp
ROFL. As i sit here stuffing my face with a frozen mac and cheese dish, i cant say i envy Oprah. Class A reporting Abby.
May 23rd, 2008
open mouth jones
Her diet lasted till she smelled bacon.
May 23rd, 2008
abby
Well, vegan or not, I still maintain that beet farts are the foulest poison known to man.
May 23rd, 2008
sonya
I’m sure she’ll celebrate her detox with a nice big double bacon cheeseburger.
May 23rd, 2008
open mouth jones
Oooooh, no abby. Not even close. My dog used to eat the seat belts in the car if we left him alone for more than 5 minutes. Then he would fart in our faces.
There is NOTHING on this gods green earth can possibly smell quite as foul and disturbing as seat belt farts. It smelled like what I imagine Britney’s ‘junk’ permeates the air with.
May 23rd, 2008
Dude Manbro
If she gave up talking for 21 days I’d be far more impressed. What does this prove? Give it up, or don’t. Extreme half-assedness.
May 24th, 2008
joecoz
That picture looks like she’s saying, “after this diet, my asshole was about this big.”
May 25th, 2008
SleepyBeastie
Filthy lies. I’ve been a vegetarian (no meats, but still some dairy) for 10 years and my digestion has been fine and dandy. However, last week I let a friend talk me into trying buffalo, as I had never had it before in my life. I ate TWO bites and as a result my ass hurt for TWO days. Beef and beef-related products do things to your colon that should not be spoken of in polite company.
May 27th, 2008
PleaseTrimYourNoseHairs!
Sure, every meal’s a delight when you have a personal chef to shop & cook for you!
May 27th, 2008
Reply to “Oprah Gives Up Meat For 21 Days”