Voicemail recordings that Charlie Sheen left for ex-wife Denise Richards three years ago mysteriously surfaced on the Internet yesterday. Of course, they’ve been yanked as fast as they mysteriously appeared, but being the serious investigative journalist I am, I managed to obtain the transcript of his message left on Tuesday, April 19, 2005:

Yeah, I just got your other email and I am a little confused because you told me that was something you only told a couple of people, and this and that, and I just, again you continue to be deceitful and mischievous and sneaky, and you’re a fucking liar. Okay. You’re a fucking liar. So, you know what it’s like, fuck you. Okay, I hope you rot in fucking hell. You’re a piece of shit fucking liar and I hope you fucking rot in hell. So fuck you. I hope I never fucking talk to you again you fucking cunt. Fuck you. You’re a coward and a liar and a fucking nigger alright, so fuck you.

In response, Charlie apologized in a written statement released Wednesday, saying:

“I deeply apologize by my choice of words to all I have obviously offended; especially to Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings. Three and one-half years later, the reasons that caused the anger and frustration displayed on that voice mail continue to be manifested on a daily basis because my children did not show up today for a custodial visit without explanation.”

Well, in his defense, “tar baby” and “spook” are so clichéd. It’s like you’re not even trying, really.