Jessica Alba Debuts Baby in OK! Magazine
Tags: cash warren, honor marie warren, Jessica Alba, ok magazine
Jessica Alba whores out debuts little Honor Marie Warren in this week’s issue of OK! and opens up (ha ha) about the whole birthing process:
“I didn’t scream,” Jessica tells OK! “It was really Zen. The labor was more like meditation. I did yoga breathing. I was focused.”
And Cash could only marvel at his wife’s quiet strength when she gave birth. “She didn’t make a sound,” he says. “It was amazing.”
Then he added, “Except for the part right before she crowned and her vagina started bulging like it was being inflated with a bicycle pump or something and her perineum tore straight down to her anus and blood and mucous started gushing everywhere and she crapped herself. Yeah, that part wasn’t so much ‘amazing’ as it was ‘vomit-inducing and life-time scarring.’” Then he gave a nervous little laugh and grabbed the camera by the lens and whispered, “For God’s sake, man, if the doctor asks if you want to see the placenta, just start running the other direction. Run fast. Run far. Trust me on this one.”
9 Comments, Comment or Ping
sonya
If she had an epidural that doesn’t remotely impress me. From what I’ve heard, if they’re done correctly, you don’t feel a thing. My anethesiologist (may he burn in hell forever) didn’t do mine right and it wore off before I got to the pushing part. Whee.
Jul 16th, 2008
Nooken
LOL, that is so accurate, either you have a kid or you had to watch that horrible birthing video with the hippie lady. It is incredible but not glamorous, that’s for sure. The placenta is the most bizarre looking thing I’ve ever seen. The fact that some people eat that makes me dry heave with a touch of wet.
Oh yeah, and don’t use the “throw a stitch in for me doc” joke, my wife was… umm… not amused.
Jul 16th, 2008
abby
Yes, the miracle of life is a miracle indeed. An ugly, bloody, stool-laden miracle. I had my abdomen sawed open and the little miracle yanked right out of the ol’ uterus instead of the out-the-puss route. You know, save my taint a little down time.
Jul 16th, 2008
RichPort
I need to start calling her Saddam because that my friends, is a rack!
(crickets)
Jul 16th, 2008
Carolyn
LOl I had the most disgusting non-beautiful birth ever. I pooped, I cried and snotted all over everything. There was blood and scissors or knives taken to places they should never go. My son needed to be hauled out with a vaccuum suction cup on his head. My Mom told the doctor not to stich me all the way up. And I still had my feet in the stirupps and my cooter hanging out when the lightly retarded janitor came in and started mopping the floor between my legs. And Im supposed to believe this bitch never made a sound?!? Well she is a hollywood actress she probably has a vag made out of silly putty.
Jul 16th, 2008
Gweilo
I’m not convinced that Alba was actually present at this birth; perhaps the maid did all the ugly work for her.
Jul 17th, 2008
bionic bunny
i had no intention whatsoever of having a “natural” birth. my doctor had other ideas.
oh, and that lamaze shit? doesn’t work. AT. ALL. and did i mention the first kid was 8′11″?
yeah, she was drugged out of her mind.
Jul 17th, 2008
Damian Nott
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Oct 9th, 2009
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Oct 12th, 2009
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