The 2008 Verizon and Tag Body Spray MTV Video Music Awards were last night, and the big winner of the evening? Hold on to your extensions! People Magazine says

It was Britney’s night!

The pop star made a triumphant return to MTV’s Video Music Awards, winning three Moonmen, including the night’s big honor, video of the year, for her hit “Piece of Me.” She looked a little nervous at first, but proved to be in fighting form in a vintage silver Versace minidress.

And there you have it, folks. After sixteen nominations, Britney finally won big. I suppose that was the “highlight” of the evening. And yes, there were highlights. I’m pretty sure there were. There had to be. It was like seven goddamn hours long. Maybe if I close my eyes tight and think real hard, I could remember a couple of them for you. Let’s see…

TOP TEN HIGHLIGHTS FROM THE 2008 VMAS

10. When nobody tells Rihanna or her rat tail that there’s toilet paper tucked in the back of her leather diaper. Tee hee!

9. When I realize that somebody must have finally hit Pete Wentz with a car, because he appears to be wearing a neck brace.

8. When the Jonas Brothers come straight from their shift at the Soda Shoppe to give an acoustic rendition of “Love Bug.” The only way this song could be any gayer is if it were sung by Andy Dick on Turkish Bath Night.

7. When MTV cuts Katy Perry’s version of “Like a Virgin” to less than twenty seconds. Strangely, I now feel like a virgin, because my vagina seems to have sewn itself shut.

6. The 33 seconds out of four total minutes L’il Wayne doesn’t have his hand on his junk during his performance.

5. When I see that hey, Bootsy Collins isn’t dead after all! But why is he dressed like black Uncle Sam?

4. When rapper T.I. mysteriously performs without me getting a UTI. It’s a VMA miracle!

3. When I went outside for ten minutes to smoke pot.

2. When I spent another twenty minute debating the decline of pop music and where to assign blame for the current state of MTV, conveniently missing Pink’s and Miley Cyrus’ performances.

and the number one highlight of the 2008 MTV VMA’s:

1. When the end credits finally started rolling.

Britney, Britney, Britney:

Lindsay Lohan:

Christina Aguilera:

Miley Cyrus and Katy Perry:

Rihanna and her rat tail:

Taylor Swift: