Megan Fox gets her bikini on and opens up in the October issue of GQ, and boy, do I mean “open up.” I’m talkin’ wide open. Spread eagle. Feet-behind-the-ears kind of open. She tells the men’s magazine

“I was in love with this [stripper named Nikita] that worked at [a strip club on Sunset Boulevard]. I was there all the time—I would go there by myself. I turned into a weird middle-aged married man. I’d get lap dances so I could get to know her, and I’d give her what I thought were great little sound bites of inspiration—like You can do it, you’re better than this! She’d do these beautiful slow dances to Aerosmith ballads. She had really long stick-straight hair and was Russian. I just liked her. She was really sadistic and sarcastic and funny.”

“I could see myself in a relationship with a girl—Olivia Wilde is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She’s mesmerizing. And lately I’ve been obsessed with Jenna Jameson.”

Consider this story the antidote to any Lindsay Lohan/Samantha Ronson posts you happen to encounter on this site. I’d write more, but I’m gonna need my fingers for the next fifteen or so minutes. Pleasure before business, I always say! I’m pretty sure it’s the main reason why I still don’t have a real job.