Former Playmate Shauna Sand left a Hollywood nightclub on Monday in a completely see-through black dress. You know, there are several clues that your dress is not appropriate for everyday wear, the most obvious being “The only thing more transparent than your dress is glass, possibly air.” I made a list of helpful hints for those of you who are still uncertain about the suitability of your chosen attire.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR DRESS IS TOO SLUTTY

10. The only shoes that work with the dress are lucite heels or thigh-high PVC boots

9. The words “YOUR DICK HERE” are written across the chest, crotch and ass

8. The breast pockets are actually condoms-carriers

7. The label says it’s 100% semen-resistant

6. The total square footage of the dress is less than that of a standard-size washcloth

5. Anyone onstage at Juggernauts is wearing the same ensemble

4. The belt doubles as a string of anal beads

3. It’s made of lycra with pleather accents or faux snakeskin with feather accents

2. Any part of the dress is “pull-away”

and the number one sign your dress is too slutty:

1. The tag inside says “Property of Shauna Sand”