Madonna and Guy Ritchie Reach a Settlement
Tags: a-rod, Alex Rodriguez, divorce, guy ritchie, kabbalah, Madonna, settlement
Although her rep is denying it, reports have surfaced that Madonna and Guy Ritchie have already reached a settlement in their divorce proceedings. The Daily Mail says
Madonna will give Guy Ritchie just [$20 million]. Guy has agreed to a gagging clause that will prevent him from ever talking about their marriage. He will have full access to their sons, eight-year-old Rocco and adopted David Banda, three. Guy will own Ashcombe House, their 1,200 acre [$20 million] estate in Wiltshire, while Madonna will keep the couple’s [$14 million] townhouse in central London.
I know you’re all dying to know what it was that drove the once-happy couple apart. The veritable “straw that broke the camel’s toe,” if you will. Well, the NY Daily News claims
Madonna’s obsession with maintaining a perfect body was one of the factors behind her split. Madonna’s personal habits “include having a live-in trainer, and going to sleep slathered in $800 cream and wrapped in plastic.”
The Daily Mail adds
Her insistence on sticking to a grueling four-hour exercise routine has been blamed for destroying the pair’s marriage. The strict regime reportedly meant the couple went for 18 months without making love. When they did find time to make love, it was like ‘cuddling up to a piece of gristle’, Ritchie told friends.
The other insurmountable issue plaguing their marriage? Her devotion to Kabbalah, which Ritchie thought was a bunch of hogwash. Cue New York Yankees baseball star Alex Rodriguez:
‘Alex is bewitched by her. She… has offered him a pathway to happiness and enlightenment through Kabbalah. He has turned to Kabbalah to please her. He became obsessed with her about a year ago when she introduced him to Kabbalah, he has since donated millions of dollars to the center. He showers her with compliments and makes her feel young, which Guy never did. He’s hispanic and totally her type.’
Just how much “her type” is he, exactly? Um, this much:
Madonna, 50, is hoping she can have a natural child with Rodriguez. A friend said: ‘She thinks he’s physically a great specimen. And if she is going to have another child, he would be the ideal man to bring one to her.’
Nothin’ gets a man’s motor runnin’ like the sight of a 50 year-old woman slathered in pureed placenta and basting under a humidifier. I bet it looks and smells just like a botched abortion magically come to life. Who needs a swimsuit edition when you’ve got stem cells and saran wrap? Sports Illustrated can suck it!
2 Comments, Comment or Ping
sonya
I’m not sure Madonna’s uterus is capable of supporting life. It probably resembles a solitary confinement cell in an insane aslyum, if you replace the padding with beef jerky.
I suspect rather than carrying the baby herself, she impregnates her ‘mate’ and waits for it to emerge in a bloody chest cavity eruption.
Oct 20th, 2008
abby
Ha ha ha
Oct 20th, 2008
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