It’s no secret that Tom Cruise’s new movie Valkyrie sucks donkey, but Tom is doing everything he can to convince you to see it anyway — including bribing the critics. MSNBC says

According to a source with radio station K-Earth 101, the Cruise camp was willing to… offer a screening for anyone at the station and their friends at the Cruise home, if only they’d “say ‘nice things’ about the movie. “They offered to hold it in Tom’s home — they didn’t say if he’d be there or not,” the source says. “We just had to agree to say ‘nice things’ about the movie.”

Usually when you’re invited over to someone’s house and told to play nice, it’s because the kid you’re supposed to be playing with has a lazy eye and still wets the bed and you’re only going over there because your mom couldn’t find a sitter in time. All Tom Cruise needs now is an assortment of skin tags and some corrective shoes and he’s Tony Sprott from my third grade class.