Super Bowl XLIII was last night, but I passed out around 7:30, so I don’t know shit about what happened. But I’m going to take a wild stab at it for those loyal readers who missed it:

1. Someone butchers the national anthem with excessive trilling and “ee-heee-ings”

2. Then a bunch of guys line up on the field and crash into each other

3. Then they move a couple of feet and line up and crash into each other again

4. Overpriced commercial

5. Move a few more feet, line up and crash into each other

6. Closeup of a cheerleaders ass and/or tits and “enthusiastic” fans waving signs

7. Overpriced commercial

8. Line up and crash into each other again, but only this time the white guy hucks the football to a really fast black guy who runs to the end of the field and then makes an ass of himself by instructing the crowd to give him the applause he is so obviously due.

9. Beer commercial

10. Half-time.

11. Alternate steps 2-9 until the clock runs out.

Ta-da! It’s like just like you were there, except you’ve only wasted fifteen seconds of your life instead of five whole hours. Consider it my gift to you.

BONUS BONUS: Comcast customers in Tuscon had thirty seconds of porn spliced into their Super Bowl coverage by mistake last night. Finally, someone bothers to make the damn thing interesting! Click here to watch the NSFW video. Comcast is reportedly “investigating” the event.

BONUS: The New “G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra” trailer that debuted during the Superbowl last night. You don’t usually see something this good without it being swathed in toilet paper and swirling around in a porcelain bowl: