We’ve heard that Madonna is jealous of her daughter’s youth and beauty, we’ve heard she’s as cuddly as a piece of gristle in bed, and that eye contact must never be broken with her so she can be sure to sear your very soul. So what’s left? Why, kidnapping, of course! From Nine MSN comes this shocking news:

The family of 22-year-old Jesus Luz believe his new girlfriend Madonna, 50, has kidnapped him and is holding him captive.

The Brazilian model hasn’t been in contact with his family for months, even though he lived with them before he met Madonna.

Jesus’s mother got a cryptic text message from her son in December, telling her he wouldn’t be home for the holidays and wishing the family a Happy Christmas.

He spent the Christmas period with Madonna in the Maldives, where her public relations staff confiscated his phone, according to the Brazilian media.

The New York Post reports: “The hunk’s mortified mom, Cristiane Regina da Silva — who is 14 years younger than Madonna — believes the pop diva has kidnapped her son, snatching him away to a New York love nest and controlling his every move.”

You know the very same thing happened to me. I had a figure of Jesus out in a creche in the front yard, and some unholy bastard stole my Jesus! I kept on getting letters with photos of him in perilous situations, threatening him if I didn’t give up a ransom. I said, Screw that, and went down to the 99¢ Only store and got a new one.

Madonna looking every bit the suspicious thief, leaving the Kabbalah center with Lourdes: