The Kardashians have adopted a chimpanzee. I’d say I hope it flings poo at them, but it’s probably nothing those skank girls haven’t already experienced. (WIMB)

Kate Beckinsale looks kind if black-widowish, in a you’re-so-hot-I-don’t-care-if-you-DO-eat-me-for-lunch kind of way. (The Blemish)

Are Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart really jonesing for marriage? I have a bad feeling about this… (Evil Beet)

Halle Berry is growing whiskers out of her armpits. (Seriously? OMG!)

Hayden Panettiere was almost a knocked-up teenager by her ex 31 year old boyfriend. Creepy! (Scandalist)

Some extraordinarily gay-looking photos of Miley Cyrus’ panty-modeling boyfriend Justin Gaston. Shredded jeans?? GAK! (Popbytes)

What does it say about me if I’m kind of excited about there being a Clueless sequel in the works? That’s a hypothetical question, bastards! (PopCrunch)

Condoms for the fanboys! (If they DO happen to get laid) (Agent Bedhead)

Madonna will show off her kidnapped Jesus at Oscar parties. (Celebitchy)

Heather Graham (yes she’s still alive) looks like she’s going to a Ren Faire. (Bastardly)

Annalynne “Anal Lord” McCord is practicing her streetwalker look, and succeeding very well. (Celebrity Odor)