Hi, boys and girls! It’s Abby. I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome myself back into the fold and thank all of you for your prayers and kind comments last week. And thanks especially to Sarah, who somehow manages to raise the bar even higher every time I go away and makes it look effortless in the process.

But now it’s time to take the bar and fuck yourself in the ass with it, because I’m the one writing today. God, it’s good to be back! MSNBC says

Supermodel Gisele Bundchen’s star is fading.

The May issue of Vanity Fair, in which Bundchen appears nearly naked on the cover (and inside the magazine), is the lowest-selling issue of the publication in nearly two years.

Vanity Fair [confirms] that the issue sold only 280,000 single-sale copies.

“It might be that she’s losing her looks,” spokeswoman Beth Kseniak joked to the New York Observer.

Um, no. Gisele Bundchen isn’t losing her looks. It’s that thanks to the internet, naked ladies are now a dime a dozen. I see approximately 3,583 naked ladies a day without even trying. I can’t not see naked ladies when I’m on the computer. The scientific term for this phenomenon is “desensitization.” You might know it better as “if she’s not wearing a pair of plastic panties she just shat in and tethered to a one-eyed ostrich in a gimp mask, I’m not buying.” Thanks for the good times, Information Superhighway!