Jon Gosselin’s girlfriend seems like a real charmer. (CelebNewsWire)

Katherine Heigl is still a total jackass. (WIMB)

Amy Winehouse has returned to the UK after an eight month stay on St. Lucia. (Allie)

Oh, Tori Spelling.  You’re such a hot mess.  I mean seriously, it must be exhausting to be this much of a hot mess every damn day.  Where do you find the energy?  (GoFugYourself)

Jessica Simpson got dumped.  Again. (IDLYITW)

Christian Bale is gettin’ scrawny and manorexic for The Fighter. (Celebitchy)

Oh, dear.  These poor, poor dogs.  They look like clowns.  NOBODY LIKES CLOWNS. (SOMG)

Sandra Bullock wants to get naked forever. (TheBlemish)

Brendan Fraser has still got it. (WWTDD)

Elizabeth Taylor is in hospital for exhaustion. (ICYDK)

Scarlett Johansson is a disaster. (HollywoodTuna)

Penelope Cruz’s hot sister Monica is in a teeny bikini again. (TheGrumpiest)

Oh no!  LeVar Burton, the awesome Reading Rainbow dude (who was also on some space show or something) was injured in a five-car pileup!  Don’t panic, my lovelies — he’s not dead, but this news still fills me with sadness. (PopCrunch)

Get well soon, LeVar Burton!  Maybe the Reading Rainbow theme will help (because it’s fantastic, that’s how):