Hello my babies, hello, my honies, hello, my ragtime GAAA-AAALS: It’s Abby! Or “Maria Conchita Alonza de la Piedad de Cavadas,” as I’ll be referring to myself until the statute of limitations is up. Thanks to my darling Sonya and Sarah for towing the line in my absence!

Anyhoo, your dreams are about to come true — you can finally see Lindsay Lohan in her very own hardcore porn movie! Well, kind of. Splash News says

The x-rated documentary-style comedy “Hustler’s Untrue Hollywood Stories: Lindsay Lohan” [stars] look-alikes of the actress and gal pal Samantha Ronson [and] follows ‘Lindsay’ as she struggles with her stormy on-off romance with Sam, goes in and out of rehab and tries to cover up wardrobe malfunctions.

Lindsay is played by redhead Scarlett Fay. The Hustler Video movie also sees her get advice from pal Paris Hilton (Eden Adams) and have a catfight with Scarlett Johansson (Nicole Ray).

The movie is reportedly so accurate that her own mother almost believed it was actually Lindsay. Until the (NSFW) scene where Ron Jeremy shot his load all over her face, that is. “Oh, come on,” Ms. Lohan’s quoted as saying. “Everybody knows the REAL Lindsay Lohan would never let perfectly good spooge go to waste like that! My girl’s a swallower!” Interestingly, I once used those exact same words in a toast at my sister’s wedding, but I didn’t get nearly as many laughs. I think it’s really all about the delivery.

UPDATE: Movie trailer after the jump!

97% of thumbnails monstrously NSFW: