Remember how before Madonna became a children’s book author and foster mother to third world urchins, she used to be a giant whore? Yeah, so does the rest of the world. And now some of that whoredom is up for grabs in an online auction! The Mirror UK says

The personal artifacts [include] two micro cassette tapes of answering machine messages and 21 faxed letters [to former bodyguard turned lover] Jim Albright, [with whom she was involved for] two years.

Her saucy faxed letters to Jim - in which Madge signs off as “Lil’ Booty” — are embarrassing enough.

But what is even worse is the 15-minute VHS tape [made while Madonna was working on the 1993 movie Dangerous Game] called Snake Eyes Wife Swap Footage [that] shows her flashing her boobs while appearing to snort cocaine and inhale nitrous oxide… [before letting] co-star James Russo snort cocaine off her body.

A source said yesterday: “She is mortified. Some of this stuff makes her Sex Book of the 90s look tame. [It's] horrendously embarrassing.”

Bidding on the New York Gotta Have It! auction site for the cassettes starts at $25,000; $10,000 for the tape and [$3,00] for the letters.

Well, let me save you some trouble. Here’s her Penthouse spread. Now here’s her Sex book pics. Using the power of imagination, take those naked images you just saw, add in one dude thrusting, and then put it all on a 15 year-old VHS tape, which in 1993 had the quality resolution roughly equivalent to 320×480 pixels, with a signal-to-noise ratio at 43 dB (DVDs today usually have an S/N ratio at 120+ dB, meaning VHS tapes have three times as much background noise and humming) and voilà! — a fuzzy, grainy, white-noise riddled analog video of Madonna getting railed over a decade ago. Congratulations. I just saved you $10,000.

Having dinner with Dolce and Gabbana:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin, Splash News