You didn’t think Eminem was going to take Mariah Carey’s parody video Obsessed lying down, did you? In his latest song, “The Warning,” he claims to have “dirt” on the singer in the form of racy pictures and claims that he did, in fact, have sex with her, even if it was only once. And, um, some other stuff:

In the second week we was dry humping/Surely you don’t want me to talk about how I nutted early/cos ejaculated early and bust all over your belly/And you almost started hurling and said I was gross/Go get a towel you’re stomachs curling.

But if I’m embarrassing me, I’m embarrassing you/And don’t you dare say it isn’t true.

Only a white dude would try to convince you of his sexual prowess by rapping about his problem with premature ejaculation. You never heard Dr. Dre or Tupac busting rhymes about their post-coital crying fits or inability to maintain an erection, did you? Sorry, but you can’t make a ho “bow down” and “recognize” when they’re too busy laughing at your limp penis. Might want to go with a different angle next time.

The lyrics in their entirety after the jump

The Warning by Eminem

Only reason I dissed you in the first place is because you denied seeing me
Now I’m pissed off
Sit back and relax homey, kick back and relax, grab a six pack while I kick
Yeah Dre’s sick track, perfect way to get back
Wanna hear something wick wack?
I got the exact same tattoo that’s on Nick’s back
I’m obsessed now
Oh gee, is that supposed to be me in the video with the goatee
Wow Mariah, I didn’t expect her to go balls out
Bitch, shut the fuck up before I put all them phone calls out you
made to my house when you was wild and out before Nick
When you was on my dick and give you somethin to smile about
How many times you fly to my house? Still trying to count
Better shut your lying mouth if you don’t want Nick finding out
You probably think since it’s been so long if i had something on you I
woulda did it by now
On the contrary, Mary Poppins, I’m mixing our studio session down and
sending it to mastering to make it loud
Enough dirt on you to murder you
This is what the fuck I do
Mariah, it ever occur to you that I still have pictures?
However you prefer to do and goes for you too, Nick, you got
You think I’m scared of you?
You gonna ruin my career you better get one
Like I’ma sit and fight with you over some slut bitch cunt who made
me put up with her psycho shit over 6 months and only spread her
legs to let me hit once
Yeah, what you gonna say? I’m lucky? Tell the public that I was so
ugly that you had to be drunk to me?
Second base? What the fuck you tell Nick, punk?
In the second week we was dry humping. It’s gotta count for something.
Listen, girly. Surely you don’t want me to talk about how I nutted
early cos ejaculated early and bust all over your belly, and you almost
started hurling and said I was gross, go get a towel you’re stomachs
curling. Or maybe you do.
But if I’m embarrassing me, I’m embarrassing you and don’t you dare
say it isn’t true.
As long as the song’s getting airplay I’m dissing you.
I’m a hair away from getting carried away and getting sued.
I was gonna stop at 16. This is 32. This is 34 bars. We ain’t even a
third of the way through.
Mariah played you. Mariah who?
Oh did I say ”whore”, Nick? I meant a liar too.
Like I’ve been goin off on you all this time for no reason.
Girl you out ya alcoholic mind. Check ya wine cellar. Look at all the
amounts of wine.
Like I sit around and think about you all the time.
I just think this is funny when I pounce you on a rhyme.
But it now I’m about to draw the line.
And for you to cross it that’s a mountain that I doubt you wanna climb.

I can describe areas of your house that you wouldn’t find on an episode of Cribs
A blubba load ribs so don’t go opening your jibs cos every time
you do it’s just another load of fibs
I ain’t saying this shit again, ho. You know what it is.
It’s a warning shot for before I blow up ya whole spot
Call my bluff and I’ll release every fucking thing I got
Including the voicemails right before you flipped your top
When me and Luis were tryin’ to stick two CD’s in the same spot
(Slim Shady ?????? I love you)
I love you too
Let me whisper sweet nothings into your ear, boo. Now what you say?
(It’s nothing)
Guess what I’ll do?
I’ll refresh your memory when you said ”I want you”
Now should I keep going or should we call truce?
(You think you’re cute, right? Hahaha)
You bet your sweet pussy I do
(I’m Mary Poppins, b)
And I’m Superman, mmm
(Mary P. Slim Shady)
Comin’ at you
So if you’ll still be my (babygirl)
Then I’ll still be your (Superhero, Wilma M.)
Yeah, I’m right here
(You like this)
Nope. Not anymore, Dear.
It cuts like a (knife) when I tell ya get a (life)
But I’m movin on with mine
Nick, is that your (wife)
Well tell her to shut her mouth then I’ll leave her alone
If she don’t (sing this script?) then I’ma just keep goin
(I see Mary Ann. Mary Ann’s saying ”cut the tape, cut the tape”. Knife!)

The Warning by Eminem

Only reason I dissed you in the first place is because you denied seeing me
Now I’m pissed off
Sit back and relax homey, kick back and relax, grab a six pack while I kick
Yeah Dre’s sick track, perfect way to get back
Wanna hear something wick wack?
I got the exact same tattoo that’s on Nick’s back
I’m obsessed now
Oh gee, is that supposed to be me in the video with the goatee
Wow Mariah, I didn’t expect her to go balls out
Bitch, shut the fuck up before I put all them phone calls out you
made to my house when you was wild n out before Nick
When you was on my dick and give you somethin to smile about
How many times you fly to my house? Still trying to count
Better shut your lying mouth if you don’t want Nick finding out
You probably think since it’s been so long if i had something on you I
woulda did it by now
On the contrary, Mary Poppins, I’m mixing our studio session down and
sending it to mastering to make it loud
Enough dirt on you to murder you
This is what the fuck I do
Mariah, it ever occur to you that I still have pictures?
However you prefer to do and goes for you too, Nick, you got
You think I’m scared of you?
You gonna ruin my career you better get one
Like I’ma sit and fight with you over some slut bitch cunt who made
me put up with her psycho shit over 6 months and only spread her
legs to let me hit once
Yeah, what you gonna say? I’m lucky? Tell the public that I was so
ugly that you had to be drunk to me?
Second base? What the fuck you tell Nick, punk?
In the second week we was dry humping. It’s gotta count for something.
Listen, girly. Surely you don’t want me to talk about how I nutted
early cos ejaculated early and bust all over your belly, and you almost
started hurling and said I was gross, go get a towel you’re stomachs
curling. Or maybe you do.
But if I’m embarrassing me, I’m embarrassing you and don’t you dare
say it isn’t true.
As long as the song’s getting airplay I’m dissing you.
I’m a hair away from getting carried away and getting sued.
I was gonna stop at 16. This is 32. This is 34 bars. We ain’t even a
third of the way through.
Mariah played you. Mariah who?
Oh did I say ”whore”, Nick? I meant a liar too.
Like I’ve been goin off on you all this time for no reason.
Girl you out ya alcoholic mind. Check ya wine cellar. Look at all the
amounts of wine.
Like I sit around and think about you all the time.
I just think this is funny when I pounce you on a rhyme.
But it now I’m about to draw the line.
And for you to cross it that’s a mountain that I doubt you wanna climb.

I can describe areas of your house that you wouldn’t find on an episode of Cribs
A blubba load ribs so don’t go opening your jibs cos every time
you do it’s just another load of fibs
I ain’t saying this shit again, ho. You know what it is.
It’s a warning shot for before I blow up ya whole spot
Call my bluff and I’ll release every fucking thing I got
Including the voicemails right before you flipped your top
When me and Luis were tryin’ to stick two CD’s in the same spot
(Slim Shady ?????? I love you)
I love you too
Let me whisper sweet nothings into your ear, boo. Now what you say?
(It’s nothing)
Guess what I’ll do?
I’ll refresh your memory when you said ”I want you”
Now should I keep going or should we call truce?
(You think you’re cute, right? Hahaha)
You bet your sweet pussy I do
(I’m Mary Poppins, b)
And I’m Superman, mmm
(Mary P. Slim Shady)
Comin’ at you
So if you’ll still be my (babygirl)
Then I’ll still be your (Superhero, Wilma M.)
Yeah, I’m right here
(You like this)
Nope. Not anymore, Dear.
It cuts like a (knife) when I tell ya get a (life)
But I’m movin on with mine
Nick, is that your (wife)
Well tell her to shut her mouth then I’ll leave her alone
If she don’t (sing this script?) then I’ma just keep goin
(I see Mary Ann. Mary Ann’s saying ”cut the tape, cut the tape”. Knife!)