My Dearest Victoria,

Listen up, honey.  You’re wee and maniacal and totally insane and I love it all so much.  I have a long history of inexplicable fondness for your crazy ass so I will not be at all pleased when you drop dead of malnutrition, which will most assuredly happen if you do not EAT SOMETHING.

Look, I get it, okay?  You’re a skinny little bitch.  You always have been, and that’s fine.  You like being all orange leather stretched over sharp angles, and I’m delighted that you’re always so damn pleased with yourself, but you’re looking positively emaciated lately and I AM CONCERNED.  That clavicle; it concerns me.  Also, I’m not positive, but I think I can see your spine through your sternum and that shit just ain’t right.

KNOCK IT OFF.  HAVE A SANDWICH.  DON’T HOLD THE MAYO.

Kisses,
Sarah

Victoria Beckham leaving her hotel in New York today: