Approximately 847 women came forward over the weekend claiming to have had affairs with Tiger Woods, several of them going as far as to secure lawyers: a yet unnamed cocktail waitress, a “popular” British television presenter, former Hooters Girl Corrie Rist, Las Vegas model Jamie Jungers, porn star Holly Sampson, diner waitress Mindy Lawton, and possibly your sister. This interminable parade of sluts certainly begs the question: just how is Tiger’s nine-iron in the sack, as it were? According to the Daily Mail

[$8-an-hour diner waitress Mindy Lawton] claimed, “Sometimes I looked like a rag doll after we’d made love… He really did like it quite rough. He wanted to spank me and loved pulling my hair as we had sex. He also liked me to talk dirty to him, but hair-pulling was what really turned him on.

I realize now that all he wanted me for was sex. The only time he would call was when he wanted it. Tiger just used me as his sex toy. He is a selfish, heartless man. He did not buy me anything, not even a meal.”

I’m pretty sure banging cocktail waitresses two at a time makes Tiger the fucking Fredo Corleone of the golf world. Too bad Al Neri can’t take him out in a canoe and shoot him in the back of his stupid fat head. You’re nothing to me now!

(From left to right) Mindy Lawton, Jamie Junger, and the rest are of porn star Holly Sampson: