Katy Perry gives a whole new meaning to “Deck the Balls Halls” in her latest attention-grubbing Twit Pic, and that got me thinking — what other Christmas songs could I callously pervert with just a few letter changes? But while I was rummaging through my old holiday 45′s for titles, a real-life a Christmas miracle happened: I realized that there were plenty of songs and carols out there that already sound dirty without my having to do a damn thing to ‘em. So naturally, I made you a list:

THE TOP TEN CHRISTMAS SONGS THAT SOUND DIRTY ALREADY

10. “It Came Upon the Midnight Clear.” Ejaculation jokes never get old!

9. “Here We Come A-Wassailing.” I don’t know what “wassailing” is, but I’m pretty sure you follow it up with a Cleveland Steamer.

8. “Six White Boomers.” See Cleveland Steamer.

7. “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.” Welcome to gangbangs, Victorian-style.

6. “Back Door Santa.” This is a real, actual song.

5. “A Virgin Unspotted.” Um, not at my house. High five!

4. “Little Donkey.” Anybody here ever been to Tijuana?

3. “The Friendly Beasts.” Ha ha, back bestiality jokes already!

2. “Ding Dong Merrily on High.” Because “ding dong” means “wiener!” When you’re 5.

AND THE NUMBER ONE CHRISTMAS SONG THAT SOUNDS DIRTY ALREADY:

1. “Nuttin’ for Christmas.” I guess “Blow Your Load for Christmas” just wasn’t as catchy.

Rachel Weisz in next month’s GQ to stuff your stocking: