The 16th Annual Screen Actors’ Guild Awards aired Saturday night, and I imagine many of you were too busy playing World of Warcraft in your mother’s basement to actually watch it. Fortunately, it’s my job to tell you what happened, so you can sound cool and informed when you manage to stalk catch the receptionist when she’s alone at the water cooler.

So, in a nutshell, it was a giant pile of self-congratulatory ass-kissing. The real mystery of the night was how that piece of shit “Nine” managed to get nominated for anything other than Biggest Waste of Time and Talent, but it somehow found itself in the running like ten times. “Inglorious Basterds” was the big winner of the night, and Jeff Bridges was finally recognized for the colossus he is with a Best Male Actor win for his role in “Crazy Heart.” Yeah, fucking “Crazy Heart.” I know. The only thing his role in “The Big Lebowski” turns up is The Russian Guild of Film Critics’ Golden Aires Award for Best Foreign Film, but he gets nominated and wins for “Crazy Heart.” Which is precisely why I stopped watching these award shows in the first place. Well, that, and because you don’t become a 9th level Blood Elf Paladin by watching a bunch of jerk-off actors telling each other how great they are. Some of us have Horde orcs and Darkspear trolls to destroy, you know!

For a complete list of winners, click here; more pics after the jump.

Drew Barrymore:

Penelope Cruz:

Kate Hudson:

Mariah Carey:

Diane Krueger:

Christine Hendricks:

Christina Applegate and Patricia “Fats” Arquette:

Sandra Bullock:

Marion Cotillard:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online