I’m back, boys and girls! Thanks to Sonya for guiding you through the barren wasteland of celebrity gossip while I staved off alcohol poisoning and liver failure for a week. I hope you didn’t get too accustomed to quality writing and actual fact-checking while I was gone, because unless “journalistic integrity” is code for “a high school equivalency and a bottle of Wild Irish Rose,” you’re shit outta luck.

Anyway, what better way to usher in my triumphant return to the blogosphere than news of a celebrity sex tape? Today’s amateur porn star is Danielle Staub from “Real Housewives of New Jersey,” or as you may better know her, “The Crypt Keeper.” According to TMZ

Hustler Inc. tells us it is all set to distribute a 75 minute tape, featuring Jersey’s most hated Housewife — and mother of two — in a naked romp with a mystery man.

A rep from Hustler tells us the tape was shot last September — several months after 47-year old Staub first appeared on the Bravo reality show. The tape is set to be released on June 14.

Everything you need to know about this video can be summed up in the words “47-year old” and “75 minute tape.” I hope you like masturbating with a mixture of Ben-Gay and Centrum Silver.

Megan Fox in a bikini, because I’d rather pour hot tar in my nostrils than watch Danielle Staub in flagrante delicto:

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer-Griffin Online