After less than a month of engagement, Orlando Bloom and Victoria’s Secret model Miranda Kerr were married in a ceremony hailed by the press as the “the most secret-y secret in all of secret-dom.” Yes, I count as press. Well, I have my own badge and everything. Plus I wrote “PRESS” on an index card and stuck in the brim of my fedora, just like in the old-timey movies. The Daily Mail says:

Miranda Kerr and film star Orland Bloom are thought to have tied the knot in Los Angeles, but no other details were immediately available.

Victoria’s Secret model Miranda has revealed the pair are already on their honeymoon.

The Pirates Of The Caribbean star reportedly proposed twice before, but the model was said to be reluctant to make the union official.

She still looks a little “reluctant” in that picture up there, don’t you think? He’s got on what appears to be a bulletproof vest and a fake mustache (well, let’s hope it’s fake) and he’s dragging her by the wrist like she was a Pomeranian on her way to the vet’s to get neutered. Definitely raises some suspicions. This is usually the sort of thing you’d see taken from an airport surveillance cam right before they issued an official amber alert.

Virtually eyebrow-less (and topless) in Numéro #114 magazine: