One of the stars of TLC’s shit hit show “Cake Boss” was arrested for sexually assaulting a minor earlier this month. I was going to say “the dirty wetback-looking one,” but with that ensemble, it’s not as helpful as you would think. So I just circled him instead. TMZ says:

Remy Gonzalez — who is married to “Cake Boss” Buddy Valastro’s sister — is charged with aggravated sexual assault, sexual assault, criminal sexual contact, and endangering the welfare of a child.

A rep for TLC says, “We support Buddy and the Valastro family during this very difficult and challenging time… and as this doesn’t involve us, we will not be commenting any further.”

Remy Gonzalez is currently being held in Morris County Jail in New Jersey on $300,000 bail.

And just what is “aggravated sexual assault?” I’m glad you asked. It is legally defined as:

1. Sexual assault that maims, wounds, or disfigures the victim or involves a victim who is physically or mentally incapacitated

2. Sexual assault wherein the perpetrator is related to the victim by blood OR has supervisory or disciplinary power over the victim, e.g. a foster parent, a guardian, or someone who stands in loco parentis within the household.

3. Sexual assault on someone who is under the age of thirteen

So given the aforementioned legal definition and the high dollar amount at which bail was set, it’s pretty obvious whatever Senor Gonzalez did was just god-awful. Who knows? He very well may have raped his wife’s retarded 11-year old stepniece while burning her with cigarettes. I can’t really say. All I can do here is aimlessly conjecture and wildly speculate. That’s why it says “Making Shit Up Since 2003″ right here on my business cards.

Cindy Crawford for TSUM’s Autumn/Winter ad campaign, because she is neither under the age of 13 nor maimed by penetration: