Charlie Sheen has swiftly realized that his schtick is wearing thin and that he shot himself in the foot when he publicly maligned Two and a Half Men, so now he’s all but begging CBS to hire him back. Only in Charlieland, the way you ask for your job back involves concocting elaborate pretend negotiations with imaginary third parties in the hopes that nobody who actually works for the show will notice. The Daily Mail says:

The makers of Two and A Half Men today denied that they were in talks to reinstate Charlie Sheen on the show, despite claims from the actor.

Lawyers for Warner Bros. wrote in a letter to the actor’s attorney: “Those statements are false. As you know, there have been no discussions, there are no discussions and there will be no discussions, regarding his (Sheen’s) returning to or having any involvement with the series.”

But Sheen’s lawyer [claims] that the Warner Bros.’s claims that there were “no discussions” are “absolutely false… there have been discussions as late as Tuesday, and all parties have been involved – Warner Bros., CBS, Chuck Lorre and Charlie Sheen.

Charlie Sheen was recently approached by a third party to resolve this matter,” Sheen’s lawyer claimed, but did not identify who the ‘third party’ was.

You mean the promises of a mentally-unbalanced self-deluded drug addict mean nothing? Well, then, who can we trust? Sorry, but I’m gonna need a moment here. I might even climb into the driver’s seat of my car and rest my forehead against the steering wheel, then stare pensively out of the window while pondering life’s meaninglessness. I just feel sorry for whoever else happens to be on the road while I’m driving.

Charlie in NYC:

PHOTO SOURCE: Fame Pictures