I vaguely remember hearing about a Leann Rimes sex tape last week, but it was supposedly with her closeted ex-husband Dean Sheremet, so I didn’t really give it much though. If I wanted to see a gay man muffling his sobs and choking back dry heaves while thrusting half-heartedly, I’d just get my honeymoon video out again. But that’s probably all for the best, because her sex tape doesn’t even have any sex, not even the gay-man-playing-hetero kind — just footage of her changing while he coos at her in a creepy baby voice. She tweeted yesterday:

Since when is changing in front of a mirror in a thong a “sex tape?” the fact that someone has STOLEN a tape of private moments of when I was 18 and is trying to profit off of it is sick and the fact that the media is trying to make more of it than it is, a few private moments of me changing and joking around [e.g., the baby voice] is misleading and wrong. Once again, I have never filmed myself having sex period. All I know is you see more of me on a beach in a bikini. Moving on, so should everyone else!

The only thing worse than farting during sex is using the baby voice during sex. The second you start coochie-cooing and saying words like “widdle bittums” and “daddy likey,” my legs instinctively snap shut like a Venus Flytrap. You’d have better luck plying me with a ski mask and a roll of duct tape.