Nobody likes Gwyneth Paltrow, and no matter how hard she tries to sound cool and down-to-earth, she always comes off like a pretentious cunt. Case in point — her interview in next month’s Elle Magazine:

On getting support from Beyoncé on her surprise duet with Cee Lo Green at the Grammys: “This story always makes me cry… It’s 10 in the morning and Beyoncé schleps it all the way down to the Staples Center to watch. I mean, She’s Beyoncé!”

On the advice Beyoncé gave her before her performance: “Beyoncé’s like, ‘Okay. The singing is great. But you’re not having any fun.’ She’s like, ‘Remember when we’re at Jay’s concert and Panjabi MC comes on and you do your crazy Indian dance? Do that. Be you!’”

On creating a solo album: “Beyoncé and Jay — they think that I should just go do it by myself. That I should go… in a studio and see what happens. And if it’s good, do it. And if it’s not, don’t. So that’s probably what I’ll do.”

I have never seen such a blatant case of flagrant name-dropping in all my life. Jesus Christ. We get it, Gwyneth! You’re friends with Beyonce and Jay-Z. BFD. I have black friends, too. Well… I know some black people. Know of them, anyway. I generally avoid them unless it’s sunny or I have less than twenty bucks on me. Now what were we talking about again? Oh, right:

On showing the world a different side of herself: “If you speak to my friends who’ve known me since I was four, they’ll say, ‘That is her.’ They always said to me, ‘You’re the dirtiest person in the world and so funny. Show the world that side of you.’ I felt guarded. I felt like if I really showed people more of me and I was still not accepted, then… Who cares. You just realize it doesn’t matter what people think of you.”

On deciding to launch GOOP: “When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris? People know that I know that…”

On going public with her personal care regimens: “It’s so much easier to sit home and not exercise and criticize other people. What I love is inspiring people. People come up to me and say, ‘I want to have two kids and wear a bathing suit and not feel terrible about myself. I see how hard you work and it makes me feel like I can do that too.’”

It may surprise you, Gwyneth, but most of Middle America isn’t going to Europe to get their snatch waxed. And most of Middle America is too worried about how they’re gonna raise their kids after losing their jobs to worry about how those kids ruined their swimsuit figure. It’s called “reality.” More people would like you if you spent any time in it.

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