Armed assailants kidnapped and robbed “Party of Five” star (?) Jeremy London last weekend, held him hostage in his own car and forced him to smoke crystal meth for five hours straight. Boy, if I had a nickel… Radar Online says:

London, 37, was attempting to change a flat tire on his vehicle when two men stopped to help him on the evening of Thursday, June 10.

The kidnappers forcibly took London — who played Griffin Holbrook on Party of Five and Chandler Hampton on 7th Heaven — and drove him around in his own vehicle while terrorizing him at gun point.

Somehow a stunned London managed to escape at around 3 o’clock the next morning.

“He was forced to smoke dope– crack cocaine or amphetamines — and then purchase booze and hand it out in a gang area of Palm Springs,” Sergeant Douglas [said].

London’s car was later found in a notorious neighborhood of Palm Springs where one of the kidnappers lived.

This is obviously really what happened. It’s not like London has a history of lying and drug abuse and pill problems or anything. Oh, wait:

The kidnapping came after a torrid period for the actor, who has admitted to a drug abuse problem.

London was arrested in the spring of 2004 for allegedly driving with a suspended license and for carrying controlled substances.

[He also] went to a rehabilitation center last September to face his battle with prescription pills.

He is currently going through a divorce from actress Melissa Cunningham, whom he married in September 2006.

“Jeremy said he did what he had to do not to end up shot or dead,” a source close to the Hollywood actor [said].

Oh, so the cops buy the old “held-at-gunpoint” excuse now, do they? Funny, when I tell the Oklahoma City police that I haven’t been drinking, that what really happened was these Russian thugs held me at gunpoint and poured vodka down my throat before stuffing the quarter bag in my pocket, and that I was only speeding because they told me they had tied a bag of kittens to a keg of dynamite in the basement of a strip club in Tullahoma and every second we wasted administering “field sobriety tests” was putting them that much closer to certain death, I still go to jail anyways. Explain to me how that shit works. I guess I’m just not famous enough to blatantly lie out of my ass.