Ashlee Simpson was fired from Melrose Place because the entire cast hated her! (Bricks and Stones)

Guess which Kardashian takes a shot to the face in this clip? (TMZ)

A monkey on a goat on a tightrope. You can’t make this shit up. (omg blog)

The PTC is trying to stop Monday’s Gossip Girl threesome! Now see if they can stop me from not caring. (Seriously? OMG)

Jim Carrey is now a Hasidic Jew. Beard and all. (ICYDK)

Listen to round one of the Michael Lohan’s ET messages. Highlights include “Lindsay sobbing hysterically” and “Lindsay saying no one cares about her.” (ONTD)

Hailey Glassman/Perez Hilton bitch fight! (Bitten and Bound)

Michael Jackson liked urinating in front of small children, says his former doctor. Yeah, that’s fuckin normal. (Hollywood Rag)

Kate Beckinsale stunning as always at the “Everybody’s Fine” world premiere. (Moe Jackson)

Find out why the Army is apologizing to Ryan Seacrest. (Wonderwall)

Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson vamp it up in this cheesy Harper’s Bazaar photo shoot. (Socialite Life)

British Page 3 Girl Rosie Jones goes topless for your hump day. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Madonna brings Jesus to Valentino’s party. Good thing they make those retractable leashes for people. (Holy Moly)

Taylor Swift’s Guitar Hero commercial! (Gabby Babble)

AnnaLynne McCord nippley-slippley. (CelebNewsWire)

Petra Nemcova gets wet and wild in a Karine Belouaar photo shoot. (Glamcrunch)

^{PHOTO SOURCE: NY Daily News}

Our Lady of the Peace Madonna toured a child care center in Malawi with her adopted children David and Mercy yesterday, where local villagers proclaimed her to be their God. You probably know her better as “White Devil, White Devil.” The Daily Mail says

During the visit, one young orphan told Madonna: ‘You are our god. Where could we have been without you?’

Madonna is said to have looked bemused by the comment. The 51-year-old also promised electricity to a local village.

The singer told [the villagers], “I know you work in darkness. I will bring you electricity.”

And then Madonna said, “Let there be light”: and there was light. And she saw that it was good. And then she said, “Let all of the light be recessed indirect lighting and pink-tinted LEDs.” For Madonna was very, very old.

With Mercy on Kabbalah night:

Megan Fox in Giola magazine. (popoholic)

Ha ha — Jon Gosselin ordered to pay back Kate all the money he “borrowed.” (TMZ)

Someone attacked Sienna Miller with with a pair of pinking shears! (Socialite Life)

Pamela Anderson’s face appears to be made of a giant shiitake mushroom. (Hollywood Rag)

See if you can glean the hidden message in this lingerie commercial. (Jezebel)

Lily Allen’s most bizarre stage get-up ever! (Holy Moly!)

Miley Cyrus shows off some leg! (Dirty Rotten Whore)

I can’t believe a girl this beautiful ever dated Joe Jonas. (Moe Jackson)

Katarina Ivanovska in a photo shoot for Womensecret Winter 2009 Lingerie Collection. (Use My Computer)

Sophie Monk bikini pictures! (The Grumpiest)

Sharon Stone’s old-lady headlights are on. (CityRag)

Daisy de la Hoya celebrates one more year of “hasn’t OD’d yet!” (Derek Hail)

R.I.P. Soupy Sales. (Seriously? OMG)

Madonna appears to have bathed in the blood of virgins and fresh placentas. (Lainey Gossip)

Yeah, no such luck. Madonna may have thought about throwing herself off a building, but she has so much to live for. No, not her kids or anything, but her work. Daily Mail says,

She may have a tough exterior but Madonna has admitted she took a real blow during her divorced from director Guy Ritchie last year.

The 51-year-old revealed she was distracted only by her work, which included a gruelling world tour.

‘It was a challenging year,’ she says. ‘I may have thrown myself off a building. I think work saved me and I’m very grateful that I had work to do.’

I doubt any harm would have come if she did happen to throw herself off a building. I’ve always said she resembles a muscular spider, and you never know, she might be hiding some spinnerets under those black vinyl bodysuits. Peter Parker ain’t got nothin’ on her!

Katy Perry looking booby-licious. (UseMyComputer)

Kristen Bell sexes it up for the “Couples Retreat” premiere. (Moe Jackson)

See how Eminem looks with bangs and pink highlights! (CityRag)

Olivia Wilde slips a nip. And I slip you a high five. (CelebNewsWire)

Geri Halliwell’s boobs have grown two cup sizes since she wore that dress seven years ago. (Socialite Life)

Guy Ritchie calls Madonna retarded! That’s usually the part when she rips off his head and devours him whole. (Holy Moly!)

Don’t call Khloe Kardashian fat. Or she’ll eat you. Trust. (Websters)

Catwoman Jocelyn Wildstein is absolutely goddamn terrifying now. (Hollywood Rag)

Hey, look! Aubrey O’Day takes pictures of her own ass and posts them on Twitter. Trust me, the back looks a hell of a lot better than the front. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Julie Henderson might have the world’s smallest waist: bikini proof. (Glamcrunch)

Three hairdos in one! Everybody wins. (omg blog)

Jessica Alba in a bikini sucking a lollipop. What more do you want from me? (The Dirty)

Harry Connick, Jr. unwittingly takes part in a black-face skit mocking the Jackson 5. (CelebSlam)

Video footage of Seth Green getting mugged! (The Blemish)

Just when you thought you couldn’t possibly hate Madonna and Lady Gaga any more than you do right now, they go and do something like this:

Madonna and Lady Gaga continued their catfight from “Saturday Night Live” well into Sunday — they got into a one-on-one dance-off at SoHo hot spot Submercer at a Sunday night birthday party for Madge’s manager. “[The DJ was] alternating their songs ‘Holiday’ and ‘Poker Face,’ and then they both started going at it,” says an onlooker. “Madonna seemed to be the winner. People were going wild.”

There’s not any video of the real dance-off, but just imagine two shemales in S&M attire vogue-ing and thrusting like they’ve got tardive dyskinesia and you’ve pretty much covered it. It’s like my Dad always said — “it’s not really a birthday party unless a tranny pulls a groin muscle.” Of course, “until a little kid throws up from crying so hard” seemed to suffice until I went away to college. Asshole.

Lady Gaga looking more beautiful than she ever looked in her life this past summer:

I dare you to find something unfunnier than Madonna and Lady Gaga’s Saturday Night Live skit. Other than my last ten posts, I mean. That’s not really even trying.

UPDATE: Now with equally unfunny screen cap action!

Oprah and Obama’s epic FAIL. (Gone Hollywood)

Katy Perry is snogging… Russell Brand?! (Scandalist)

Kristin Cavillari says Brody Jenner is super-lame in bed. Now there’s a shocker for you. (Right Celebrity)

K-Fat is getting even K-Fatter before he stars on Celebrity Fit Club. (CelebrityNewsWire)

Adrianne Curry showing off — what else? — her fake tits. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Here’s to the Octo-mamas: The Top Ten Celebrity Babes Born in October! (Mr. Skin)

WTF: James France is joining the case of General Hospital! (Post-Chronicle)

Bitchfest: Madonna accuses JLo of giving her the side-eye at a concert. (Wonderwall)

Rihanna steals Lady Gaga’s signature no-pants motif! (Moe Jackson)

It’s Maeby Funke’s time to shine! (Websters)

Lady Gaga debuts the highly coveted “gross butt dress.” Nice. (Hollywood Rag)

Behind the scenes of Kristen Stewart’s Interview magazine shoot. (Socialite Life)

Lady Gaga is now wearing human hair as clothing. How very Buffalo Bill of her. (ICYDK)

The many, many disguises of Kelly Osbourne — this week, the classic “overweight albino Minnie Mouse.” (Holy Moly!)

Beyonce’s dad forgot to put a condom on it. Get it? (I’m Not Obsessed)

There’s bronzer… and then there’s this. (The Dirty)

Terrifying Japanese sex dolls. (Dirty Rotten Whore)

Amanda Seyfried, or Tammy Faye Baker? (UseMyComputer)

Madonna eats pizza for Letterman! (Hollywood Rag)

Battle of the Olivias: Oliva Munn vs Olivia Wilde. (Moe Jackson)

Danielle Lloyd is very, very naked. (Fatback)

Drew Barrymore works a sexy leather dress at the “Whip It” premiere. (The Grumpiest)

Jenna Dewan bikini pics. (CelebSlam)

Marilyn Manson blows snot rockets at his audience. (CelebSmack)

Video: Kelly Rowland’s epic fail. (Hello Beautiful)

Yowza: Scarlett Johansson in daisy dukes in Rolling Stone. (Glam Crunch)

Jude Law’s dramatic reading of “Poker Face.” (Popeater)

Emmanuelle Chriqui as a sexy cowgirl. Yee-fuckin’-haw. (popoholic)

“Formula. Formula. Cliché. Contemplative drive through city while bus staring out the window. Cliché. Product placement. Cliché.” There. You just watched Jennifer Aniston’s new movie from start to finish. (Pajiba)

Kanye West blogged a spastic, insincere, caps-locked “apology” for what he did to Taylor Swift last night. (WWTDD)

Beyoncé was actually pretty cool to Taylor Swift after Kanye’s psychotic break. (WIMB)

MUPPET MOVIE!! (Pajiba)

Jennifer Lopez still won’t quit dressing like a crazy person and making that dazed, open-mouth Sex Face, despite the fact that she hasn’t done anything relevant in years. (GoFugYourself)

Megan Fox’s stupid dumb mouth just keeps running, and running, and running… (AgentBedhead)

Somebody feed Gwen Stefani a sandwich. (CelebritySmack)

Katy Perry is dumb and annoying and no one likes her, so she wisely kept her gigantic rack front ‘n center at last night’s VMAs. (IDLYITW)

Lady Gaga is an unfortunate-looking attention whore who dresses like a total lunatic at all times.  Guess who loves her?  That’s right, Madonna does. (ASL)

Neil Patrick Harris is awesome, shirtless, and wet. (Celebitchy)

Brooke Hogan is looking even more old and busted than usual. (ICYDK)

Joe Jackson rips on Kanye for his self-aggrandizing famewhoring at inappropriate moments, because Joe Jackson motherfucking loves him some irony. (PopCrunch)

Pink and Shakira wore the same dress to last night’s VMAs, but they both looked pretty awesome in it and they laughed it off together. (SOMG)

Teri Hatcher wrinkles up her vagina and then flashes it at you. (CelebNewsWire)

Drew Barrymore looks different. (EvilBeet)

Now you finally have an answer to that old joke: what do you get when you cross Madonna with a horse? No, I meant besides pages 6, 24, and 83-87 of her Sex book (although page 85 is a technically a donkey if you look close enough). The trick is not to interpret the question literally. Then the joke’s not funny at all. Kind of like this post, if you really think about it. Looks like the joke’s on you, suckas!

PHOTO SOURCE: Bauer Griffin, Splash News

Hello, my pretties.  It’s Sarah.  I had a Benadryl smoothie with a shot of Hendricks for breakfast this morning, so today should be a cavalcade of crazy.  Are you excited?  I’m excited!  I might actually just be dizzy and hallucinatory, but to be honest, I haven’t much been able to tell the difference for years.  It’s hard work being this awesome, y’all.

Oh hey look, it’s Lourdes.  She’s all trussed up in the outfit made famous in her mum’s performance of “Like a Virgin” at the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards.  Isn’t that sweet?  Except for the part about how LOURDES IS 12.  Like, twelve (12!) years old.  Twelve, motherfuckers.  Also, for those of you who’ve never seen Reservoir Dogs or were zygotes in 1984, the song “Like a Virgin” is a little ditty about a slut machine getting banged by a dude so big it was painful.  What kind of retard thinks it’s a good idea to tart up a 12-year-old in the “Like a Virgin” costume?  Apparently, Madonna is precisely that kind of retard.  I wonder if she made Lourdes wear the “Boy Toy” belt, too?  Oh, who are we kidding here?  I bet Madonna makes Lourdes wear that belt every damn day of her life.

Anyway, this photo was taken on the set of Madonna’s new “Celebration” video.  You know, the one where she makes out with Jesus and Lourdes has a seizure in a crowd?  Yeah.  Who’d have thought that hot mess was the best of the options they had to work with?

The “Celebration” video keeps getting yanked because I guess some people are fussy about copyrights and such, but hopefully this one will stay put long enough for each of you yokels to have the opportunity to torture yourselves: