The Grammy nominations were announced last night, and among those listed were crap, crap and who fucking cares. I’m only even telling you this as an excuse to post pictures of Katy Perry’s boobs, because she was there at the announcement party in a ridiculously low-cut tight dress, but if you’re some kind of homo who wants actual details, feel free to keep reading:
Beyonce had the most Grammy nominations, including ones for album of the year for I Am Sasha Fierce, and song of the year for Single Ladies (Put a Ring On It).
Taylor Swift, the year’s best-selling artist outside of the late Michael Jackson, was nominated for eight including album, song and record of the year.
And Lady Gaga had five nominations overall including best album for her debut CD, The Fame. The Black Eyed Peas were nominated for record of the year for their feel-good song, I Gotta Feeling, while the Kings of Leon were nominated for Use Somebody.
Blahbitty blahbitty boobs. Did you not see them up there? Perhaps if you took the sweaty man-cock out of your mouth and wiped the balls off your chin, you’d have a better view. Homo.
Fashion magazines will tell you that if you’re pear-shaped, to try to wear clothing that draws the eye away from your hips and bottom, to play up your top half to balance your bottom half. The rules do not apply however, to Sasha Fierce. Her fashion rules say, “If it’s big, put a bow on it to make it bigger!” and “A girl can never wear too much gold or sequins. Gold sequins are even better,” and “Putting weird angles on your hips are good!”. I think she might be hiding a small village in that thing.
Oh look, here’s Beyoncé performing at General Motors Place, the third stop on her Sasha Fierce tour. I still think the whole Sasha Fierce thing is dumb as hell, and I see Beyoncé is still dressing like a complete lunatic (and not at all in a delightfully cute way). However, this week is so dull that there’s a fair chance I might actually die of boredom by tomorrow afternoon, and these pictures are ever so slightly more interesting than looking at protesters of the G20 Summit.
But seriously, if somebody doesn’t have the common courtesy to get arrested for something scandalous or otherwise create some news soon, I’m gonna lose my mind.
Now that we’ve got the best-dressed out of the way, let’s go in for the kill: The 81st Annual Academy Awards Worst-Dressed List. Starting with Beyonce, above. I’ve heard the expression “walking like you’ve got a corn cob up your ass,” but this is ridiculous. I wouldn’t be surprised to learn there was a damn Volkswagen wedged into her pooper.
Here is the official music video for Beyonce’s new song “Diva” off her I Am… Sasha Fierce1 album. Honest to God. It’s not an SNL digital short. This piece of shit is the real music video. Oh, and before I forget, Chris Gaines called. He wants his career-ending gimmick back.
1And what’s with name “Sasha Fierce,” anyway? Was the name “Max Power” already taken? It’s a name you would love to touch… but you mustn’t touch!
Bonus video: It’s Toonces the Driving Cat meets sweat and hair grease: Brandon Davis plows into Pink’s car!
Meet the smartest man in the world, nine year-old Alec Greven. (MollyGood)
If you ever wanted to fuck a porn star, Lela Starr is selling herself on Eros. There’s a present you can’t re-gift! (Dirty Rotten Whore)
Camilla Belle caught canoodling with Twilight douchevamp Robert Pattinson! I guess “canoodling” means “sharing volumizer over chai tea.” Makes sense. (Websters)
Meet the naked Coven of Crapness: Kimberly Stewart, Leah Wood, and Peaches Geldof. (Holy Moly)
Tina Turner appears to have gained twenty pounds in her face and neck, but she’s still got some kick-ass legs. (Hollywood Rag)
Scarlett Johansson dyes the drapes red! Now, about the carpet… (Lainey Gossip)
It should be illegal for Melinda Messenger to have that much tittay. (Hollywood Tuna)
It looks like alter ego Sasha Fierce doesn’t believe in shaving Beyonce’s armpits. (CelebNewsWire)
Never before has a woman coming at you with a giant pair of scissors been so sexy, thanks to Heidi Klum. (Bastardly)
Four words: Jessica Alba swimsuit calendar! (The Rad Report)
In shocking news, it turns out — shockingly! — that Beyoncé’s much-over-hyped secret identity albumI am… Sasha Fierce isn’t so fierce. It pretty much blows. Shocking! (FourFour)
Equally shocking: Beyoncé’s still dressing like a drunk lunatic who raided Elton John’s dressing room. (SOMG)
Twilight made eleventy bajillion dollars over the weekend despite being the most effing retarded thing committed to film since the death of Anna Nicole Smith, because little girls are dumb as hell. (Pajiba)
The American Music Awards were last night. Here’s a rundown of the performances. (Cele|bitchy)
And in AMA red carpet and backstage news, pretty much everyone either looked like ass, or acted like it. (WIMB)
Madonna and A-Rod are fighting. About Kabbalah. Which Madonna only barely understands, and yet she insists on being an oblivious, raving psycho about it. (Jossip)
YouTube sensation Shane Mercado made his debut appearance on The Bonnie Hunt Show yesterday, dancing his little gay heart out to Beyonce’s “Single Ladies.” And just like that, you’ve just witnessed the tangible embodiment of Sasha Fierce. It’s called Shane Mercado. For the record, this is the first time in recorded history that putting on a Speedo and a belly nipple shirt and videotaping yourself dancing in your dorm room didn’t end with a beating and a Texas wedgie. I personally credit my high-steppin’ version of “Fame” for paving the way for syncopated geniuses like Shane. Long live the unitard!
Earlier we learned about Beyonce’s new album, I Am…Sasha Fierce, but did you know that Sasha is also her on-stage alter-ego? Uh huh. Beyonce has reached that pinnacle of self-important diva-hood that her ego can no longer be contained in one body. Usa Magazine reports,
“I have someone else that takes over when it’s time for me to work,” she tells Reuters. “When I’m on stage, this alter ego that I’ve created kind of protects me and who I really am.”
She adds, “Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I’m working and when I’m on the stage.”
The singer, 27, has said there are “things I do when performing I would never do normally.”
As “Sasha,” she recently told October’s British Marie Claire, “I have out-of-body experiences. If I cut my leg, if I fall, I don’t even feel it. I’m so fearless, I’m not aware of my face or my body.”
Oookay, freakazoid. That might fall under the category of “Not to Share”. I also believe alter-ego is another word for “being high on psychotropic drugs”, but that’s totally speculation. I suggest testing her theory by throwing a nice roundhouse kick to the face the next time she feels fierce. Any takers?
Beyonce at the 2008 MTV Europe Music Awards, wearing C-3PO’s hand
Beyoncé Knowles has that new album coming out called I am… Sasha Fierce, and apparently it somehow involves human origami, because these are the first of the promo pics and Beyoncé is looking a tad Cirque du Soleil up there. Kinda like the bastard love child of Grace Jones and Gumby. It also reminds me a little of the possessed bendy girl from The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I’m guessing that’s not quite the vibe she was going for here, though.
I get the feeling this is supposed to be blowing my mind or something, but… meh. I tried super hard for at least six or seven seconds to get worked up about the astronomical stupidity of this whole Sasha Fierce business, but Beyoncé tends to make me feel nothing but ambivalence, so I am left with only a vague suspicion that Victoria Beckham just might get all irate-midget-alien-robot up in Beyoncé’s face for trying to horn in on her crazy shoe territory. Nobody rocks a weird shoe harder than Posh. Everybody knows that. Well, everyone except Sasha Fierce, it would seem.
