Christina Aguilera’s boobs also double as a map of the Chesapeake Bay watershed. (Fatback)

Pink actually owns a sexy bikini! (CelebSlam)

Gillian Anderson’s got some some ’splaining to do! (UseMyComputer)

Seriously, Warchild — Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reaves are making a sequel to “Point Break!” (Holy Moly)

Ladies, a retreat to your happy place — Johnny Depp has a big wiener. You’re welcome. (The Blemish)

Kourtney Kardashian’s see-through pants. (The Grumpiest)

See the new ass that replaced Jessica Simpson! (MollyGood)

Rain on the New Kids on the Block performance — unfortunate coincidence, or God metaphorically pissing on them with disgust? You decide. (Websters)

Those new Miley Cyrus MySpace pics are fakes. (Ninja Dude)

Hand Solo is a serial boob grabber. (Ask A Trooper)

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Britney Spears’ January trip to Rosarito with then-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib seems to have yielded a little more than Montezuma’s revenge, although I’m sure it smells about the same: there’s a Spears-Ghalib sex tape out there, and Adnan wants to sell it to you. Splash News Online says

Word is that the video starts with Britney undressing. The sex wasn’t particularly kinky but Britney wears a pink wig throughout. At one point in the tape Adnan asks the singer to remove the pink bob but she refused. “Adnan tells her to take it off at one point and she says coyly, ‘Take what off? There’s nothing left to take off.’”

I think I’d rather see streaming footage of partial birth abortions and hemorrhoid surgery being performed simultaneously than watch Britney Spears engaged in coitus. Or, you know, I could just sit through “Pirates of the Caribbean 3″ again. Six of one, really.

Shania Twain, because 1) she’s not Britney Spears, and 2) she’s single again:

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In the wake of the California Supreme Court overturning the state’s ban on gay marriage, talk show host Ellen DeGeneres has declared her intentions to wed longtime girlfriend Portia de Rossi. TMZ reports

A spy in the audience of this afternoon’s taping of the “Ellen DeGeneres Show” tells us that after Ellen mentioned [yesterday’s California Supreme Court ruling], she surprised everyone and announced that she was going to tie the knot with actress Portia de Rossi. Portia was in the crowd and after she made the announcement, the studio audience went wild, giving the two a huge standing O. The show will air tomorrow.

With the news of this ruling, Home Depot can now expect to dethrone Pottery Barn as the largest wedding registry in the state of California. You know how lesbians love power tools! And stereotypes! Don’t forget stereotypes!

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Just two months after having rekindled their relationship, Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have broken up. Insiders credit the split to Kate’s not being down with Owen having threesomes with Vince Vaughn, while Vince Vaughn credits the split to Kate being such a “ball and fucking chain, bro.” According to People Magazine

Wilson [had] been spotted letting loose… on May 11, [when he] dropped by N.Y.C.’s Upstairs with two women. The late-night outing was followed by a visit to Butter the next night, where he chatted up a sexy blonde.

Says a Hudson source: “She feels dumb thinking it was so serious.”

Well, nothing says “seriously repentant” like another suicide attempt. It worked before, right? This time he should go with a little more gusto, like deep throating a shotgun. Something that will leave a disfiguring scar, so that every time she opens her mouth to bitch about those harmless little orgies, she’ll be staring down a grotesque visual reminder of how much he really loves her. Sorta like Van Gogh, only with way less balls and Kolmogorovian turbulence.

Most beautiful in last month’s People:

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Brad Pitt joined Angelina Jolie on the red carpet in Cannes for the premiere of Angie’s latest movie “Kung Fu Panda” yesterday. Brad couldn’t even muster a smile the entire time he was there, presumably suffering from Oh-My-God-What-The-Fuck-Have-I-Done syndrome associated with fathering six children. You remember the OMGWTFHID face. It’s the one your dad made when he found out you dropped out of law school to enroll in the interpretive dance academy and got knocked up by that “Nouveau Communist” cashier at the organic grocery store. It’s the same face you make when you catch an episode of “The Hills” or the person before you forgets to flush.

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A debauched paterfamilias rules a coven of nymphomaniacs, inbred brutes, cannibals and mutant CHUDs. Also, they’re Nazis. Leave it to the French to master “subtlety.” (Pajiba)

Anne Heche’s bank account liked her better when she was a pretend lesbian. (jossip)

Claudia Schiffer still working supermodel magic (re: topless) in Vogue magazine. (Drunken Stepfather)

Last time: pig vagina and nausea. I figure it can only be uphill from here. (College Candy)

Jack Black still isn’t funny. At all. (Best Week Ever)

Mischa Barton moves to Paris, a land where cellulite and ass-cheese is embraced by all. (Celebitchy)

Robert Downey’s man-purse must be European! (Websters)

Lindsay Lohan gives lesbian hickeys. (pretty boring)

Keira Knightley discovers the secret to making herself completely unattractive. (Jezebel)

More hot Amy Winehouse/Pete Doherty action — but this time with mesh tank top and ulcerated boil additives! (Seriously? OMG)

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Jessica Simpson is handling the news of ex-boyfriend John Mayer’s new relationship with Jennifer Aniston the way most of the dumped do — drinking herself retarded and calling for mom. According to Us Weekly

The 27-year-old singer was so out of it after a four-hour session of drinking at L.A.’s Mexicali Cocina Cantina… that she was reduced to leaving her Range Rover in the parking lot and calling her mom Tina for a ride home (for good measure, [best friend] CaCee Cobb threw up under the table).

She’s on the right track with boozing and everything, but if she really wants to punish him good, the trick is to also fuck a lot of random dudes. Really, the more dudes the better. Two at once, if you can. His best friend. His boss. That guy he plays ball with on the weekends. Then get a registered firearm and threaten to kill yourself after shooting out his front tires at two in the morning. Believe me, if there’s one thing guys like, it’s drama. I’ve been married three times, so I should know.

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Newlyweds Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon hosted a Magic Mountain wedding party at Six Flags in Los Angeles Tuesday night. Themed “Mariah and Nick — A Love Story,” Mimi booked the entire park for the evening. TMZ says of the party:

The newlyweds were driven around the park in a golf cart. At all times, Mariah was followed by a hairstylist and makeup artist. Mimi had her own private pot to piss in, with guards right outside the bathroom — you know, to keep her friends out. Their guests were [relegated to] non-private [shitters].

So they’re saying that Mariah actually goes to the bathroom? Wow — now there’s a surprise. I was fairly certain that the only thing coming out of her bottom looked like rainbows and smelled like angel whispers. Turns out her dump requires a staff of burly men blockading the powder room door. Boy, she makes my Uncle Tony look like a fucking amateur.

Don’t breathe in:

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You probably remember that Scotland Yard got a hold of that video of Amy Winehouse washing down a snootfull of ecstasy and blow with a couple of hits off the crack pipe all the way back in January of this year. CPS finally arrested her on suspicion of possessing Class A drugs last week, but unexpectedly let her go yesterday without any legal ramifications whatsoever. Viva la justice! According to London’s The Sun

Yesterday CPS spokesman Russell Hayes said: “The footage did not establish whether the substances were illegal drugs and, in the absence of any forensic opportunity or reliable evidence from any witness, we concluded we could not establish to the high proof required in a criminal court that they were controlled drugs.”

Well, all I know is R. Kelly should really see about having his trial moved to London instead of the States. The only way Scotland Yard could be any more impotent is if it had prostate the size of a grapefruit and trust issues with its wife.

With Pete Doherty Tuesday night:

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Jack Black inadvertently revealed that his “Kung Fu Panda” co-star Angelina Jolie is in fact expecting twins during a Today Show interview from Cannes yesterday. Us Weekly obtained the following excerpts from the interview:

“You’re gonna have as many as Brady Bunch when you have these,” Black said [to Angelina during the interview].

“So is that confirmed? Is it two?” [Natalie] Morales asked.

Jolie said “Yeah, yeah, we’ve confirmed that already. Well, Jack’s just confirmed it actually.”

“Is that true?” Black asked, to which Jolie laughingly replied, “Yeah, you did.” Black joked, “I’m glad I didn’t blow it!”

“We’re out [with the news],” Jolie said. “We’re fine. I’m very happy. Unlike most women, I love being pregnant… You just feel like everything about your body is there for your baby.”

Of course there’s two. If I’ve learned anything from Star Wars, is that you can’t bring balance to the force with just one. Besides, the guys on the Jedi Council Forum say if you interpret the prophecy literally, it would take two chosen ones to counter-effect the Sith duality of master/apprentice — always two there are; no more, no less, according to The Rule of Two first instituted by Darth Bane approximately 1,000 years before the Battle of Yanvin. My Jedi Council Forum also says that rule forbidding Jedi to love is the reason why we’re all still virgins. It makes perfect sense to me.

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