Meet the latest addition to the Beyoncé Knowles House of Deréon clothing line: the “Deréon Girls Collection.” Now with 50% more kiddie porn flava! Softpedia says

The [”Deréon Girls Collection”] ads depicts a series of young girls aged around 7 or 8 seemingly playing dress up [in] 5 inch high heels, wearing lipstick and posing in a slightly disturbing, overtly mature way.

Seriously, who buys their kids this kind of shit? Oh, that’s right — black people. And probably pedophiles with little girls locked in their basements. I’d like to see the market research on that target demographic!

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The old Lindsay Lohan is definitely back in business. First that monkey-roll fest last week, and now this, from today’s Rush and Molloy):

Lindsay Lohan [was] getting her drink on at the Crown Lounge in L.A. with “The Hills” Lauren Conrad. “They were doing shots of tequila, but Lindsay was turning her back so no one would see,” said a spy. Too bad La Lohan failed to notice her reflection in a nearby window was visible to everyone in the bar. Lindsay’s rep called the tale untrue - and “mean.”

Peek-a-Boo is a clever ruse if you’re dealing with someone with the cognitive range of a three month-old. Bar patrons and arresting officers, not so much. Another game not big with the boys in blue: the school yard classic “Mother, May I.” Seems nobody with a gun wants to hear you say, “Oh, but you didn’t say Mother, may I walk this line foot over foot with my arms outstretched!”

UPDATE: Guess who just got axed from the Charles Manson movie (pun intended!) because no respectable actors wanted to work with her? Ho ho!

In Puss in Boot’s boots in Hollywood Tuesday:

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Uma Thurman, the face of Lancome’s fragrance “Miracle” from 2000 to 2005, is suing the cosmetics giant for millions of dollars for unauthorized use of her image. Lancome, in turn, is suing her right back, but not for being such a fish-eyed uggo who tricked them into hiring her in the first place. According to NY Daily News

[Uma] claims the company is using her old Lancome ads on Asian web sites and a Canadian billboard without permission.The company says… it never “knowingly or intentionally” used Thurman’s image, and that the Web pages were “inadvertently archived” and never meant to be publicly available.

The suit seeks to have a court resolve the dispute by declaring that Lancome did not violate Thurman’s contract and that she is not entitled to the money her lawyer has demanded.

Looks like somebody spent a lot of free time googling themselves lately. Hmm, Uma? Let’s look at the facts here. One: a Canadian billboard. Come on. Who even goes to Canada excepts Canadians and American Black Bears looking for a change of scenery? Number two: Asian website. The fact of the matter is 98% of all traffic on Asian Lancome websites ended up there by mistake while looking for naked underage Asian girls. The other two percent: Uma Thurman. Sorry, but you can’t argue with math, people. That’s why they use numbers in breathalyzers.

The stunning beauty on the set of “Motherhood” in New York yesterday:

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Mischa Barton is claiming that the man who photographed her sunbathing topless in Australia last weekend did a little retaliatory photoshopping in an attempt to make her look bad. Barton’s rep tells Rush and Molloy

“Those photos are doctored. They’ve given a 22-year-old woman the legs and bottom of an 80-year-old. There’s a lot you can do with Photoshopping. [Photographer Jamie Fawcett is determined] to make Mischa look bad because she called him out for taking the topless shots.”

Oh, come off it already, Mischa. The photos aren’t doctored and we all know it. Remember, nobody likes a crybaby. Crybabies get picked last for kickball and don’t go to prom and end up living with their mothers and developing glandular issues and hiding behind their computers making fun of people they don’t know in a feeble attempt to quell their own self-loathing. Frankly, that kind of existence is a little pathetic.

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First the Star Wars prequels, and now the new Indiana Jones movie — George Lucas manages to ruin another good thing. (MollyGood)

Two words: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, aka beating the fucking bejeezus out of your opponent until they look like Gary Busey after a Tijuana bender. (Pajiba)

Juliette Lewis’ vagina would like to say a word now. (popbytes)

Computer composite of what Suri Cruise will look like when she grows up, and it ain’t pretty. (prettyboring)

Christina Ricci stabbed by her own brother! (Celebitchy)

Katherine Heigl believes her destiny lies with romantic comedies. The real question — will people still find her attractive if she’s talking through a stoma? (Websters)

Another American Idol castoff caught perving on children! (Bumpshack)

Eva Mendes topless… with her foot in her mouth? (CelebNewsWire)

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Disney no doubt has their Mickey Mouse underpants in a wad over “Hannah Montana’s” latest shitty Nielsen ratings. MSNBC reports

It’s possible that Miley Cyrus’ Vanity Fair photo shoot might have had an impact on her show’s ratings. The May 4 episode of “Hannah Montana” saw a ratings drop of 24 percent… [and] overall ratings for the show have been in decline.

I’m going to go out on a limb here and say ratings are down because her show fucking sucks. There. I said it. I’m not afraid of a little controversy. Like at Easter dinner, when my stepmother asked me to pass the salt, and I yelled, “You’ll never be my mom and you’re not the boss of me, Tina!” and ran upstairs and slammed the door so hard my Hannah Montana poster fell off the wall. Ooh, that’s right, boys and girls. I serve up a big slice of truth with a steaming helping of in-your-face, so if you can’t handle it, you should just get off the train now.

Miley picking up her sister from school April 30th:

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I’ve never been a huge fan of horse racing, but this news from last week’s Kentucky Derby was too tragic to dismiss. It seems the race’s second-placing horse had to be put down as soon as she crossed the finish line. USA Today says

Trying to become the first filly to win the Derby since 1988, Eight Belles finished second to Big Brown. Shortly after crossing the finish line she broke both ankles and had to be destroyed.

Even more disturbing are the pictures of the poor horse breaking her ankle right before her untimely death. Who in their right mind puts a horse in four-inch heels? Sparkly ones at that? Given the choice, your average equine would probably choose a nice satin flat for themselves, but nooo. The owner must have had something “sexier” in mind. I hope you’re happy, Larry Jones, you heartless bastard. You disgust me.

One more closeup of Eight Belle’s injury and bunions after the jump

Continue reading ‘Fergie Falls Down’

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Barbara Walters was on Oprah on Tuesday promoting her autobiography “Audition,” in which she admits to having an affair with a married senator in the seventies and being made to lie about her “View” co-host Star Jones’ gastric bypass surgery. ABC News quotes Barbara as saying:

“[Star] decided to have a gastric bypass operation, but then she decided not to tell anybody. Then we had to lie on the set every day because she said it was portion control and Pilates. Well, we knew it wasn’t portion control and Pilates.”

Star Jones’ reaction (via Us Weekly) was decidedly pissy:

“It is a sad day when an icon like Barbara Walters, in the sunset of her life, is reduced to publicly branding herself as an adulterer, humiliating an innocent family with accounts of her illicit affair and speaking negatively against me all for the sake of selling a book. It speaks to her true character.”

I’m sorry, Star, but that’s incorrect. The correct answer would have been to exclaim “I’m gonna snatch yo triflin’ bitch-ass bald-headed and bust out all yo fronts,” then hand your boyfriend your jewelery and kick off your shoes and go straight for the weave. Seriously, has she ever watched an episode of “Springer?” Sounds like Star needs to brush up on the basics!

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Sometimes, when I’m writing out that $300 check to the U.S. Department of Education, I’ll stop and look up at the diploma hanging over the desk and wonder, “Was it all worth it?” The four years I spent earning my journalism degree; the other two I spent binge drinking and withdraw/failing; the seemingly insurmountable debt — all for one little piece of paper. And then something like this little tidbit from The Sun comes along, and I just have to close my eyes and smile and nod knowingly:

If you thought Jessica was the busty one in the Simpson family - you were wrong. Younger sister Ashlee, out of nowhere, is providing the Dukes Of Hazard star with some healthy competition. It looks like she’s developed a pair of Christina Aguilera-style pregnancy boobs. Either that or the wiring of her bra is truly immense. The mystery deepens…

So was it all worth it? Yes, my friends. Yes, it was.

Ashlee and her monster bazooms with Pete Wentz yesterday:

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Kelly Osbourne is plastered. And, coincidentally, up against a brick wall. (Jezebel)

Elisha Cuthbert almost loses her top on the beach. (UseMyComputer)

Amy Winehouse is in jail! (The Rad Report)

Mariah’s super secret wedding pictures in People magazine. (Dlisted)

Angelina Jolie is having twin girls. Who needs the Olsen twins now? (IDLYITW)

Natalie Portman’s new boyfriend is a real dickface. (Websters)

Mischa Barton feels violated by the paparazzi. And also by the cellulite gene. (The Blemish)

Fantasia Barrino debuts another giant hair don’t. (Seriously? OMG)

John Mayer’s already cheating on Jennifer Aniston! (Hollywood Rag)

Ryan Seacrest to replace Larry King? Makes perfect sense. (Jossip)

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