Mayday! Mayday! We’re going down! Mayday!

Samuel L Jackson was so amused by the title of the upcoming movie Snakes on a Plane that he signed up without even reading the script. The movie tells the story of an assassin who wants to kill a passenger on a flight by releasing a batch of deadly snakes. Samuel explains:

“I didn’t even read the script - I just saw the title, ‘Snakes on a Plane’ and said ‘Ok, good. I’m there.’ “You have got to love that. That’s exactly what it is - 500 poisonous snakes released on a flight from Hawaii to Los Angeles.”

It happened to me some time ago. A director asked me to star in a movie titled “Johnny Dick and the 40 Hotties”. I immediately signed up. But when I arrived on the set for the first day of shooting, the director asked me to take my clothes off. It should also be noted that the 40 hot women were wearing strap-ons. It still hurts as I write this.

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Apparently, director Michael Caton-Jones and Sharon Stone struggled to keep peace on the set of Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction, because Sharon felt she owned the film. The actress, who starred in the original Basic Instinct, even caused a scene in front of other cast and crew members. He says:

She’s very charismatic, she has opinions and she sees herself as the keeper of the keys of the Basic Instinct throne, I guess. But she’s also an actor, not a director. I welcome actors having opinions, but they’re not always right.”

According to a friend who was an electrician on the set, she spread her legs wide open in front of everyone and screamed: “I own this movie, muahahaha!” But that friend smokes lots of weed so I’m not sure he told me the truth. Anyway, he added she wasn’t wearing any underwear.

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Or like they say in French: j’aime Pressly!

Despite the success of gay cowboy romance Brokeback Mountain, Pierce Brosnan is convinced the bisexual scenes in his new movie The Matador should stay cut. Pierce had almost backed out the role because he and his wife Keely Shaye Smith were concerned it contained too many overtly gay sex scenes. He says:

“I don’t regret it, not at all - even with Brokeback’s success. The original problem was the director (Richard Shepard) threw everything at it - including the kitchen sink. It was too much. It came on full tilt. I felt it took away from the ambiguity of his sexuality. I just got it toned down.”

Sometimes it’s a wise decision. Take Top Gun, for example. Thank God they cut all the gay sex scenes in that movie because Tom Cruise is already gay enough when he’s just acting.

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The Simpson factory has produced a new prototype which is a mix of Ashlee Simpson and her sister Jessica. The new model is called Ashica Simpson. [Hollywood Rag]

I can’t believe it: Paris Hilton actually wears underwear. It’s probably to prevent STD’s from running free. [A Socialite's Life]

Let’s end the day with one of the funniest pranks I ever saw. If you ever see a skeleton on a motorbike, run for you life! [Hollywood Rag]

And a mustache.

See a close-up after the jump.

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Jessica Simpson earns a whopping $1240-per-word in her new film “Employee of the Month”, according to In Touch magazine. Her character only has 806 words to say throughout the movie. If I do the quick math, that’s a total of $990,330.

It pays off to be a dumb blonde these days. If I was paid that much for all the stupid things I say everyday, I would already be richer than Donald Trump.

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Jack Osbourne is laughing off reports he’s romancing Kate Moss, insisting he’s just trying to be a good friend to her. The troubled teen celebrated the supermodel’s birthday last month after she went to rehab to kick her cocaine abuse. Osbourne, who has also dealt with drug dependency issues in rehab, says:

“I’ve known Kate for a few years and I went out with her for her birthday. I don’t push help on anyone - if she feels that she needs to call me, whatever.”

Anyway, the day I learn that Kate Moss is dating this fat clown, I’ll smoke crack cocaine until my head explodes. I admit I say that because I know their romance is never going to happen. Cocaine is for stupid hipsters. I hate hipsters, and I hope they’ll all die of a drug overdose.

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Lindsay Lohan is famous for being one of Hollywood’s biggest maneater. She has already been linked to Colin Farrell, Joaquin Phoenix, Jude Law, Wilmer Valderrama, Jared Leto and a thousand others. Now, there’s a new name to to be added to the endless list: “Match Point” star Jonathan Rhys Meyers.

“On Monday night, Lohan and Rhys Meyers pulled up to the Spotted Pig in a black SUV and, spies say, ‘were escorted into the draped- off VIP room alone for some privacy . . . They were alone, and left in the car together.’”

I guess they were talking philosophy and playing chess. Because I would never dare to say she was giving him the blowjob of his life while he was snorting a line. Never.

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I don’t know why so many entertainment websites suddenly report that the sex tape Paris Hilton has made with former Playboy Playmate Nicole Lenz is new. It’s been months since I had some pics of the tape stored in my secret pirate folders. Since everybody is going nuts over it, I’ll share them with you. Because I rule.

Update: The pics have been removed. Read comments for more info.

It seems Stacy Keibler is wondering why Stuff magazine wanted her to grip ropes for a stupid photoshoot. Well, it was just a pretext to take pictures of her booty. [The Bastardly]

Speaking of booties, I heard that the last time Jennifer Lopez went to restaurant, the waiter asked her if she wanted two seats. One for each buttock. [Popsugar]

And to end on a hilarious note, here’s a picture of Carmen Electra looking like a hobbit next to her bodyguard. Sorry I meant a classy hobbit. With a tie. [Hollywood Rag]