Nelly Furtado did TRL as part of MTV’s Spankin’ Free Music Week and totally ripped off Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation getup. And Audrey Hepburn’s costume in “Funny Face.” And also every beatnik who ever lived. It must be hard to think “original” when your music sucks.
More pics of the turtle-necked after the jump (more…)
Anna Nicole Smith’s lawyer Howard K. Stern admitted yesterday that he is the father of her newborn baby, according to People.
Stern was with Anna in the hospital the night Daniel died — the mysterious unnamed “third person in the room.” A second autopsy has since revealed an unknown substance in Daniel’s system, along with “theraputic levels” of the anti-depressant Lexapro. Stern told Larry King
“[The new baby has been the] one thing that is really keeping [Anna] going. And through it all, even with all the pain, she has been a great mom… We love each other and it’s been going on for a very long time and because of my relationship as her lawyer, we felt it was best to keep everything hidden. And we’ve done a pretty good job of that. I’ve loved her for quite some time… At some point, we will [get married]. Right now we have to somehow get through what we’re going through.”
So the lawyer is the father. I thought for sure it would turn out to be Stefano Dimera. It’s always Stefano Dimera. And Daniel probably isn’t dead, either. His evil twin brother found a look-alike that he poisoned and dressed like Daniel and that’s who was was found in the hospital room earlier in the month. The real Daniel has been imprisoned on an uncharted island where he must toil, shirtless and always sweaty, until a claravoyant psychic gets a vision and the entire town sets out in search of him. Also, Stern will end up in a coma, and Anna will learn that her uterus is not her own but a replacement implanted by none other than — bum bum BUM — Stefano Dimera. It just makes sense.
Want to “marry a baller?” Good, ’cause Bobby Brown needs a ‘97 Ford. (I’m Not Obsessed)
A tranny does a spot-on Beyonce in the drag version of “Ring the Alarm.” (BWE)
George Clooney won’t run for President of the U.S. President of “sexy playboy rakes,” maybe, but not the U.S. (Defamer)
Michelle Rodriguez looks just like Eric Estrada. An uglier version, that is. (CityRag)
Joe Simpson is a regular diva. (A Socialite’s Life)
David Hasselhoff called 911 after receiving a phone call informing him that his youngest daughter had cut her arm. The Hoff assumed it was a suicide attempt, but it turns out that Hayley, 14, simply scratched her arm while playing with a cat. The Sun reports:
[Hasselhoff's ex-wife's] spokeswoman said: “David got it into his head it was worse and called an ambulance. Doctors took one look at Hayley and sent her home after ten minutes. She is fine. David never even came to see her so he couldn’t have been that worried.”
David’s spokesman said: “Mr Hasselhoff was boarding a plane when he spoke to his oldest daughter Taylor Ann, 16, who said Hayley had a severe scratch on her forearm and was bleeding. He did what any responsible parent would do and called 911.”
I have to say that I think the Hoff did the right thing in that situation. It’s probably a safe bet that anyone related to the Hoff is constantly on the edge of killing themselves, especially those unlucky enough to be his daughters. Just listening to his music makes me want to drink bleach, and I’ve never even met the guy. If I was his kid, I’d keep a couple of razors by the night table, so I could start cutting to ease the shame.
Lindsay Lohan’s plan to use Stavros Niarchos to make ex Harry Morton jealous crashed and burned over the weekend. According to Page Six,
Lohan told Niarchos, “No one can know I got dumped . . . You will look like a total stud”… The pair appeared Sunday at Dragonfly in L.A. “where they held hands and made out all night and then drove in separate cars back to [Lohan's] suite at the Chateau.”
But Morton hasn’t swallowed the bait. Spies say Morton, who is sober and does not like to party, broke it off with Lohan because “She… was extremely jealous and would harass him with texts, e-mails and phone calls constantly.”
Lindsay Lohan should really write a book on the subtleties of dating. Conspiring to make your ex jealous by whoring around with other guys is simply brilliant. Nothing reminds a guy how terrific you really are like watching you slutting it up with another man. In fact, if you could find a way to have intercourse directly in front of your ex, he’d probably get down on one knee and propose right there on the spot. Because if there’s one thing that says marriage material, it’s “being a dirty skank.” I know because my third husband proposed right after he walked in on the middle of my threesome with Jake the plumber and the kid down the street. And by “proposed” I mean “smashed every lamp in the bedroom and set fire to my clothes.” Lindsay Lohan is a relationship genius.
More pics of Lindsay telling the paparazzi to “fuck off and die” after the jump.
Actor Leonardo DiCaprio tells World Entertainment Network News that he doesn’t need anymore friends. Leo claims that he’s sick to death of strangers seeking him out because he’s famous and he doesn’t want to get to know them. He says,
“Truth is, I don’t need any more friends. I have my friends. I’ve a great core group of people around me and all this stuff has brought me closer to them.”
Just like Leo, I have my friends “Jack” and “Jim” and “Mary Jane,” and they’re all the friends I could ever need. Although the last time I hung out with Jim I woke up in Atlantic city in a puddle of vomit without any pants and two blacked eyes. Luckily, my other friend “VCR head cleaner” showed up, and everything was cool again.
Paris Hilton showed up at Oktoberfest looking like the porn star version of Heidi. The traditional Bavarian dress of the Alpine peasant, or “dirndl,” is apparently very popular with the local women during the Munich drunk-off, probably because it makes your boobs look gigantic. And it’s the perfect dress for a lush, as you can bind up your beer belly corset-style and trick the extra fat into looking like cleavage. I’ve seen Paris Hilton’s boobs a couple of times — okay, like fifty times — and the melons in that dirndl aren’t hers. Not even close. She must have some elusive back fat she was able to wrangle around to the front. Plus, the bottom of the dress is open and billowy — the perfect kind of skirt for airing out a herpes flare-up. I’ve got like seven of these at home.
More Paris dirndl-age after the jump.
Jackie Chan love you long time — all caught on tape. (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)
Kathleen Robertson works a red dress and a wonky eye. (The Bastardly)
Brandon Davis finally gets his comeuppance. (Celebitchy)
Scarlett Johansson is trashy. (MollyGood)
Chow down on Jessica Simpson’s pulled pork. (Fatback and Collards)
The Post Chronicle reveals that title of Fergie’s new hit ‘London Bridge’ is a veiled reference to an orgy sex position. According to the Fergstress, the song on her first solo album is really about the ‘bridge’ two dudes and two chicks make when they have sex in a carefully orchestrated position. The Post-Chronicle quotes Fergie as saying:
“Have I ever been involved in [a bridge]? No I don’t think I ever have actually. No, no I haven’t. But I’m definitely touching on issues that aren’t childlike!… I’m not going to be specific [about what the lyrics mean] because it can have several meanings. People should use their imagination.”
I’m going to use my imagination and postulate the Fergie is a fucking liar who makes some of the stupidest music on the market. ‘London Bridge’ is a children’s nursery ryhme she recycled because she’s an unoriginal twat, and telling me it’s a mysterious cloaked message about group sex is beyond ridiculous. So what’s the ‘falling down’ bit about? None of the pornos I watch have people falling down in them. Because falling down isn’t sexy. It’s funny. Naked people falling down sounds hysterical. If you could strap a wayward parasail to them and drag them down the beach first, I’d probably wet myself. I guess you can’t expect someone whose gender is inconclusive to know what regular men and women find appealing.
Super model Petra Nemcova and musician/puss James Blunt may be on the rocks, according to the Sunday Mirror. James was a no-show at the party hosted by the supermodel during London Fashion Week. A source tells the Sunday Mirror:
“Petra has been really upset because James told her that he would definitely be there. But then he changed his mind… Petra now feels that he is putting his career before her party - proceeds were going to her charity, the Happy Hearts foundation, which helps victims of the tsunami. It means so much to her. She understands that James is one of the biggest pop stars in the world - but she really wants him to spend more time with her. She’s worried they won’t last if they don’t see more of each other.”
Petra thinks that James Blunt is one of the biggest pop stars in the world? Jesus, Eastern Bloc models are easy to dupe. I’ve heard one song of his, and that song so overwhelmed me with rage that I now have a hole in the dashboard where my stereo used to be. They just make those little tuner buttons so small, and you get frantic and panicky when you can’t make “You’re Beautiful” stop, so you just start punching until that awful warbling is gone. It’s James Blunt’s fault I can’t listen to music in my car anymore.
Anyway, besides his shitty music, I also remember seeing video footage of two twelve-year old girls beating the living fuck out of him with their tiny pre-pubescent fists. And he was crying and blubbering the whole time. Well… maybe that didn’t actually happen yet, but it’s just a matter of time. Petra should get out while the gettin’ is good.
More pics of Petra pre-party after the jump.
A very pregnant Marcia Cross was spotted strolling in Santa Monica on the legs of an albino elephant. Dear God. Who put this woman in a skirt? She has a lovely botox-deadened face, radiant hair, and luscious new pregnancy boobies — a million other features she could be showcasing here. I bet you didn’t even notice her huge rack because of those monstrous alabaster tree trunks. Okay, if you have a penis you noticed, but then you saw the bottom half and yelled at your penis for being such a disgusting bastard.
More pics of Marcia lumbering through town after the jump.
Harry Morton gave rumored fiancee Lindsay Lohan the old heave-ho last week, despite Lindsay’s rep declaring the two are still a couple. A source tells People:
“Harry broke up with Lindsay yesterday at Chateau Marmont … She was too much drama. Lindsay did cut down on the partying, but with her it’s all relative. Harry is sober. It wasn’t the partying that broke them up. Harry’s more low-key and not into the same stuff she’s into.”
Lindsay was seen weeping on the patio of Hollywood’s Chateau Marmont on Thursday, so either Thursday is “crying while eating day,” or else she indeed got dumped. That’s what happens when you don’t do anything about your freckles and your unusually small teeth. You get dumped. Lindsay should have focused more on “being pretty” instead of partying all the time. Or maybe focused on “standing in front of a moving bus.” I think that could’ve helped.
More pics of Lindsay channeling 1986 after the jump.
