I really can’t tell if Jessica Alba is actually doing it with boyfriend Cash Warren in these pictures. My gut says no. Sex in the ocean always sounds like a lot of fun, but in reality, it’s never much fun at all. In fact, here are the Top Ten Reasons Why Sex in the Ocean Sucks.

10. Brine + vagina = fire in the hole

9. Jellyfish burns

8. Sea urchins

7. Industrial sewage and hypodermic needles

6. Sharks

5. Sand + crevices = chafing

4. KY is water soluble

3. Sand fleas

2. Sunscreen isn’t really edible, and

1. Some pervert with a camera is always trying to take your picture.

Take a look at the rest of the pics after the jump to decide for yourself.

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Everyone’s favorite walking cadaver Nicole Richie reportedly checked herself into a “diagnostic treatment program” in an effort to ascertain the reason behind her inability to put on weight. Us Weekly reveals:

“She’s not being treated for an eating disorder,” a Richie source tells Us. Richie’s rep, Nicole Perna tells E!, “… [This] is not a treatment for an eating disorder.”

So what you’re saying is that Nicole Richie has an eating disorder? ‘Cause you said “eating disorder” like twenty-seven times. And the girl looks like the living dead. And there was that one time I ran into her at the bathroom at Hyde and she had vomit splatter on her face. It was pretty gross. Oh, and then I did a couple of bumps with her before we hit the dance floor again — that was pretty cool — but then I found her passed out later on and some pervert had spunked all over her back. Hmm… now that I think about it, you just might be right. Maybe it’s more of a “eating disorder/drug problem/self-esteem issue” than just a plain old “eating disorder.” My bust.

Mischa Barton arrived at the 23rd Annual Night of the Stars yesterday dressed like Cyndi Lauper’s bastard child. I say “bastard” because those stripper shoes are a dead giveaway. No legitimite child really ever makes it in the cutthroat industry of exotic dancing. Thank God for questionable paternity and low self-esteem, or bachelors everywhere would never know the joy of being throttled with grotesquely oversized breast implants or the joy of a paying $40 for a 4 and 1/2 minute boner. You know, the simple pleasures in life. Smell those fucking roses, baby!

Put your hands together for more of the lovely Mischa on the center stage after the jump.

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Mary-Kate Olsen’s bag weighs more than she does.  (CityRag)

Anne Hathaway should have played the devil in “The Devil Wears Prada,” because the girl is hot as hell.  (Egotastic)

Nicole Kidman was the one who put the kibosh on Keith Urban’s good time.  What a buzzkill.  (Celebitchy)

Maria Menounos works a side ponytail.  Eat your heart out, Kelly Kapowski!  (The Bastardly)

Remarkably cute Madonna family photo.  (I’m Not Obsessed)

Wind down with Gwen Stefani’s new single “Wind It Up.”  (Popoholic)

Lindsay Lohan and Kevin Federline together in the same room?  It’s like MENSA’s wet dream come to life.  (MollyGood)

Katie Couric is jealous of Kelly Ripa.  Only one way to settle the score – catfight in a pool of Jell-o.  (Gabsmash)

Hong Kong tells Mariah Carey she can go fuck herself.  (Seriously? OMG! WTF?)

A film about the Notorious BTK killer?  You should read up on the Ten Crack Commandments first.  (Pajiba)

Super-angry supermodel Naomi Campbell was arrested in London yesterday on suspicion of assault. Again. TMZ reports:

The 36-year-old Campbell was arrested on Wednesday afternoon after a woman filed a complaint in a central London police station and made an allegation of assault… A lawyer for Campbell… tells TMZ that the supermodel was in fact at the police station and accompanied by a lawyer from Schillings law firm. The Sun newspaper reported that the woman who filed the complaint was her drug counselor and that the therapist made the complaint after being “scratched all over her face.”

Well, this pretty much solidifies my theory that Naomi Campbell was born a man. If the pictures of her looking like this or this hadn’t already persuaded you, then her rash of unchecked aggression should definitely put you in my camp. Women don’t generally go around slapping and clawing and hurling things at other women, no matter what “Melrose Place” might have taught you. If I want to hurt another woman, I’ll go fuck her husband or plant heroin in her car and call child services on her. That’s how someone with a vagina lashes out. We’re underhanded and sneaky, not blatantly violent. I might let the air out of all of your tires or take a razor to your favorite suits, but I’m not going to scratch you in the damn face. After all, I have my dignity to consider.

If you really want to establish yourself among the “douche” cognoscenti, you need to apply for the new Carmen Electra Mastercard. I can’t imagine anything cooler than having a former Playmate’s face on your plastic, except maybe winning “Most Authentic Klingon Costume” at a Trekkie convention. Which I already did. I spent hours fashioning the forehead divits exactly to scale from the printout I blew up and digitally mapped. That kind of hard work really pays off in the authenticity department. Plus, I already have a lot of facial hair, so I was able to incorporate that into the costume, too. That new Carmen Electra Mastercard is just going to be the icing on my tool cake.

More pics of a haggard looking Carmen promoting her new card after the jump.

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David Hasselhoff is alleging that his estranged wife, actress Pamela Bach, was “intoxicated or on drugs” at their daughter’s birthday party this year in papers filed in the Los Angeles Superior Court yesterday. The court documents, obtained by TMZ, make the following claims:

Hasselhoff says Bach “often wrongly accused me of having affairs in the presence of our children… Respondent unfairly harbors an irrational obsession and jealous rage toward our nanny, and persists in accusing her of wanting to replace (Bach) as my wife and (Bach) as the mother of our two children.’

…That Bach “broke into my former residence this past Father’s Day…” [and] in documents submitted to the court… tested positive for cocaine.

In a transcript of a telephone conversation, Pamela makes the following accusations to David: “You’ve abused me, you’ve [fucking] terrorized me, you have done too many women. You’re psycho man. You’re psycho. I’m not going to be O.J. Simpson like you say to my friends, I [wish] I was O.J., I could kill Nicole. I’m not going to let you kill me.”

Bach’s lawyer, Susan Wiesner, would not comment on the allegations, but noted that the Hoff’s public disclosure of the documents was

“an intentional effort on his part to besmirch her character and her reputation. Mrs. Hasselhoff could respond to each and every allegation with a litany of allegations that have been filed with the court regarding Mr. Hasselhoff’s alcohol problems and his phone calls, etc., but she doesn’t want to engage in the media in order to protect the children.”

TMZ also reveals that Bach contacted them herself to deny the allegations of cocaine abuse, claiming that the tainted hair samples in question were actually extensions and were taken to a private lab of Hasselhoff’s choosing.

This is exactly why it’s never a good idea to break into your ex’s house, ladies. You lose a couple of strands of hair while you’re rifling through his beside table and wham! — the court finds out you’ve been doing blow and working as a stripper while your kids are off spending a schoolnight at your new boyfriend who-just-got-out-of-jail-on-assault-charges’ apartment. And then you get branded an “unfit mother,”and none of the other mothers at the PTA meeting will talk to you or touch the Halloween cupcakes you made. And you spent all night making them, too, because the first batch burned while you were locked in the bathroom cutting your forearms and doing lines off the back of the toilet. Just trust me on this one, girls — you don’t want to break into his house. It’s just not worth it.

Reports are surfacing that Babyshambles frontman/douchebag extraordinaire Pete Doherty got into a scuffle with the paparazzi Monday night. The Post-Chronicle reports:

[Doherty] was drenched in blood after coming to blows with the paparazzo outside his Rome hotel… Witnesses said Doherty, 27, jumped on the photographer and punched him repeatedly…. One witness is quoted by Britain’s Daily Express newspaper as saying: “Pete’s head was dripping with blood.”

Earlier in the evening the band stormed off stage when a member of the crowd threw a bottle at the Babyshambles’ drummer’s head - after Doherty threw his stand into the audience. At the end of the gig, Pete pushed over the amplifiers and drum kit smashed another microphone stand and stormed off stage.

Nothing makes a concert more exciting than constantly anticipating a head injury. I know it really adds to my enjoyment of the music. You can’t be a Babyshambles fan or even take Pete’s picture without worrying that this guy might punch you in the face or throw an instrument your way or poke you with syringes after you pass out. It’s the same kind of rush you get rock-climbing, or having unprotected sex with a prostitute. I guess if you’re not already high on life, being a Babyshambles fan is probably the next best thing. That, or asphyxiating yourself during masturbation. I hear that’s a pretty wicked rush, too.

Hilary Clinton’s beauty secret?  Millions of dollar’s worth of plastic surgery.  And never having actual coitus with men probably helps.  (Metadish)

Enjoy a mix tape of the most memorable musical moments on screen, like the “Damn, It Feels Good to Be a Gangsta” xerox machine massacre from Office Space.  (Pajiba)

Lindsay Lohan and Courtney Love share their penchant for nose candy and 20-year old penis.  (Celebitchy)

Who’s that masked celebrity with the giant rack?  (MollyGood)

Watch “liar, liar one-legged pants on fire” Heather Mills McCartney get mauled by a lion called “Paul McCartney’s lawyers.”  Fucking circle of life, man.  (Spank Cheeks)

Britney Spears new baby is confirmed a boy named Jayden James.  Not a girl, not Sutton Pierce, not a manatee named “Tiny Tim.”  (IDLYITW)

Madonna gets yanked down in NYC.  (PopBytes)

Laguna Beach gets even juicier tonight at 10 on MTV.  Check out a clip from tonight’s episode, maximum sexiness included.  (YouTube)

There is nothing worse on a woman than a set of flabby, sagging knees. I can look past a lazy eye or a hairlip or even cystic boils, but knee flab? Please. That’s precisely why I find Demi Moore so repulsive. It’s those knees of hers. Thankfully, she’s decided to fork over ten grand to a top-of-the-line plastic surgeon in an atttempt to fix them. Daily Mail reports:

Demi Moore, 43, always had one or two things she wanted to hide away - namely her knees.

“Demi went to Brian Novack, who has already done work on her,” a source close to the actress said. “He is a fantastic surgeon and his clients don’t look like they’ve had surgery. Demi couldn’t stand it that there was any part of her that is not perfect. A lot of her friends were trying to talk her out of having more surgery. Worrying about her knees, of all things, is just silly.”

What cosmetic surgeons believe Demi has had done:
• Liposuction to her hips, inner and outer thighs and stomach - £16,000
• Beast implants for 1996 film Striptease - £11,000
• Subsequent operation to reduce her breast implants and have a breast lift - £9,500
• Brow lift - £3,600
• Chemical facial skin peel - £10,000
• Collagen injections (per course) - £200
• Teeth veneered and laser whitening - £6,200
• A long-term diet and fitness routine, including nutritionist, personal trainer, yoga instructor and kick-boxing champion - £165,000

Total: £226,500

For those of you who have no idea what the pound translates to in dollars, that’s a grand total of about $425,000. And for half a million dollars, she still makes that face up there when she smiles and has flabby old lady knees. I, on the other hand, spent eight bucks on a bottle of “Frost and Glow” this morning and 99 cents on a tube of Wet ‘n’ Wild lipstick yesterday to look this good today. And I don’t like to brag, but my knees are to die for. If I don’t cover these suckers up before I go out, the men come charging right for me, penises erect, overwhelmed with desire. Like waving a red flag in front of a bull, my knees. Other girls have their “big boobs” and their “little waists” and their “college educations,” but I have these supple knees here. What can I say? Sometimes life just deals you all the right cards.

I have always been mystified by the widely-held belief that Uma Thurman is beautiful. Being six feet tall and blonde does not a beauty make. Take Andre the Giant, for example. He was really tall, but nobody though he was freakin’ gorgeous, now did they? And Sally Struthers is blonde, but you aren’t going to find her on the cover of next month’s Vogue. You see my point.

Anyway, I can maybe understand how one might get swept up in the rapture of an elegantly constructed red carpet gown and unconsciously transfer the loveliness of the dress to the figure it adorns. Well, that’s not going to happen in these pictures of Uma from the Whitney Gala Sunday night. When the best words to describe your dress are “shiny” and “beige” and “Peter Pan collar,” you know you’re fucked. Now look me in the eye and try to tell me she’s beautiful. You can’t do it, can you? To be honest, I can’t do it either, but that’s just because my retainer prevents me from making certain consonant sounds. But I still think Uma is uggo.

More pics of the uggo in her fugly dress after the jump

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From the looks of that Penelope Cruz’s outfit at the 10th Annual Hollywood Film Festival Awards Gala, I’m guessing that Colonel Sanders dressed her before she went out. Or maybe former president Martin Van Buren let her borrow his digs for the show. Or maybe she works as a train conductor for that old steam engine tour that runs out of Ashland and just didn’t have time to change before the gala event.

Or maybe Penelope’s just an idiot who should fire her stylist already. Just a theory.

More pics of Penelope in that ridiculous get up after the jump.

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