Teenybopper starlet Hilary Duff is said to have called it quits with long-time boyfriend Joel Madden. The Chicago Tribune reports:

Madden made a guest DJ appearance at Enclave on Wednesday night and openly talked about how he is currently single. Madden told clubgoers Duff broke up with him about ten days ago and that their eight-year age difference was causing problems. (Madden is 27, Duff is 19.)

Hilary probably broke up with Joel because he stopped giving her sugar cubes and carrots and got lazy about brushing her tail every day. Horses need lots of love and attention. Especially horses with eating disorders. Some people just don’t have any business owning pets.

Pop princess Jessica Simpson is the newest celebrity rumored to have a soon-to-be-released sex tape. The Post-Chronicle reveals:

According to reports the tape does exist and has fallen into the hands of the individuals responsible for leaking the Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee video. It has been claimed that they are threatening to leak the tape if Jessica does not pay an undisclosed sum of money to keep it out of the public domain.

Somehow, these celebrity sexcapades always end up in the hands of the same people responsible for the Pam Anderson/Tommy Lee video. Those guys would have to be ninjas or something to be able to sneak past security and break into celebrity compounds undetected. I might not have any armed guards around my apartment, but I do make a lot of sex tapes, so I keep my camcorder mounted in the shower inside an overhead light to throw amateur-porn-hunting ninjas off the trail. It really works, too. I’ve got plenty of footage of me doing it with random guys in the shower, and some of me giving my dog a bath, and about thirty minutes’ worth of my neighbor soaping herself during the water leak problem she had back in October. The sex tape ninjas have yet to get their little yellow hands on it. You got to think outside the box, folks. Ninjas never check the showers. They also never check the toilet, and there’s a real market out there for fetishists who like watching people poop. That’s what you call a “win-win.”

Sienna Miller wants Jude Law to be the gimp. (Egotastic)

Pam Anderson files for divorce from Kid Rock. (Dlisted)

Tom Cruise wore a girdle to his own wedding. A fucking girdle, people. (Spank Cheeks)

Salma Hayek’s delicious rack. (Celebitchy)

I’m going to use my Lucy Pinder breast mold as a brandy snifter. (Use My Computer)

Anderson Cooper wants a bite of that spicy Brazilian sausage. (Metadish)

“Deck the Halls” might make you homicidal. (Pajiba)

“The O.C.’s” Rachel Bilson spent Friday night partying at Paris Hilton/Lindsay Lohan playground Club Hyde. I didn’t know that you could frequent this Hollywood hotspot not attired like a hooker. I thought they had rules about that sort of thing. At least requiring visible nipples or no panties or maybe a cum shot to the face upon entry. And Rachel looks so wholesome and clothed and not coked up here. Like she could be on her way to a five-year old’s birthday party. Or on her way to my bedroom with a lariat and some licorice pasties in her back pocket. Oh, that’s right, missy. That little capelet doesn’t fool me one bit. She’s a naughty little slut. Rowr.

Supermodel Kate Moss recently gave the finger to some little kids with cancer and their pissant charity. Britain’s Daily Mail reports,

She snubbed a lunch for the children’s cancer charity CLIC Sargent last week, even though the Burberry-sponsored event had been brought forward a day so Kate could be there.

Who has time for kids with cancer anyway? Especially when there are more pressing issues facing Kate Moss than pediatric maladies. Things like where can I get some more coke? Or when are we doing coke again? And what about Why does it burn when I pee? and How soon ’till we do coke again? Weighty stuff. Anyway, everbody already knows that cocaine trumps cancerous children any day of the week. Just like my mom always told me.

Singer Gwen Stefani plans on returning to her roots after her new album “The Sweet Escape” hits stores in December. And no, I’m not talking about her sixteenth-century-French-aristocracy-wig-hued hair — Gwen wants to reunite with her former band, No Doubt. She tells The Sun,

“I don’t think I will make another solo album… I definitely feel myself going back to No Doubt after this to do a new album.”

If they’ll have me, she means. Those sunglasses alone might have sealed the deal on her ever setting foot in a recording studio with No Doubt again. And after watching the video for “Wind It Up” last week, I’m confident that No Doubt would be better off without her. Hell, even my band is better off without her. And my “band” is pretty much my retarded cousin Jimmy playing the harmonica and the drums — at the same time, no less — and then me on the washboard and jug. Alternately, of course. It’s all improvised. Very “organic.” I don’t know that it qualifies as actual music per se, but I can guaran-damn-tee it’s way better than a yodeling dance track inspired by “The Sound of Music.”

Britney Spears spent most of her holiday weekend clinging to Paris Hilton and trying to keep her boobs and snatch from falling out of whatever hideous outfit she was wearing. Classy. I’d like to take this moment to remind you that you kept telling me how hot Britney Spears looked now and how she was all set for her big comeback after dumping K-Fed. Well, here you go, Nostradamus — take a look at these pictures of your precious little pop princess. She looks like absolute hell. A couple of open sores around her mouth and track marks on her arms and she could be that teenage hooker runaway I saw on Montel last week. Only fatter, of course, with uglier friends. And shittier taste in clothes. Well, anyway, Happy Slutsgiving to you and yourn.

More pics of Britney and Paris whoring around over the weekend after the jump.

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The French do Lindsay Lohan. Suck on that, Argentina! (ICYDK)

Britney Spears flashes her panties. (MollyGood)

Denzel Washington playing Denzel Washington. I just blew your fuckin’ mind, didn’t I? (Pajiba)

That blonde chick from Scrubs looks hot. (Celeb Slam)

Remember when Jessica Alba was the hottest freakin’ thing on the planet? Well, she’s suddenly morphed into 12-year-old-boy-nothingness. She looks like a sad cross between Hilary Duff and Mary-Kate Olsen. If corpses wearing plastic beads and giant sunglasses do it for you, then you’re in luck; otherwise, you ought to fly your flag at half-mast and toast to the Alba hotness that is no more.

This Bud’s for you, Jess. This Bud’s for you.

More skeletal fugliness after the jump.

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Guess which British rocker with a supermodel girlfriend and a heroin addiction got arrested over the weekend for drug possession? No, it’s not George Michael, and it’s not Sir Elton John — it’s everybody’s favorite limey fucktard, Pete Doherty. According to Britain’s Daily Mail,

Doherty — who has been undergoing court-ordered drug rehab after a string of arrests — was busted in London during the weekend for suspicion of possessing cocaine.

I’d rather the guy just overdose already. It’s hard to keep thinking up clever things to say about some loser who can’t even go two weeks without a drug arrest. It’s like Paris Hilton claiming celibacy for a year and then being photographed leaving Travis Barker’s hotel a week later. Or me swearing off alcohol and then getting so drunk at Thanskgiving dinner that I puked in the butter dish and punched Uncle Ned in the neck. No — wait a minute — you don’t know all the details yet. You weren’t even there. It’s just that Ned’s so uppity for a guy with no job. Okay, yeah, and he’s got multiple sclerosis. So what? And his wife left him last Christmas. Big fuckin’ deal. He’s not the only one with problems, you know. Pete Doherty got arrested this week. And Kate Moss might be pregnant. And Kelly Clarkson is fat. Suck on that, Uncle Ned, you big crybaby puss.

If you’re looking for an exotic vacation spot to visit this year, try sunny VIETNAM! “The land of ricefields and communism.” The low, marshy wetlands provide a terrific backdrop for a “canoe rides through the leeches” — and don’t forget about the omnipresent smell of “poverty and decay!” Spend your days touring underage brothels and the remnants of civilizations past, just like American actors Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt.* “We give two thumbs way up!” says the celebrity couple. “Vietnam is the new Monte Carlo. Okay, maybe it’s the new Harlem… of the Orient… only smellier, with crappier food.” Reserve your flight today!

*not affiliated with the Vietnamese Ministry of Tourism or normal people

More pics of Brangelina on holiday in Ho Chi Mihn City after the jump.

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New Paris-Hilton-BFF Britney Spears was photographed dressed like a sluttier version of the Chiquita Banana lady and leaving an American Music Awards afterparty at the Hilton home at the behest of local police. TMZ reports:

Police were called to Hilton’s Hollywood home after the heiress and new pal Britney Spears allegedly blasted music a little too loud for folks on the block. … [Word] leaked to paparazzi that the two blondes were planning on kickin’ it at Paris’ place after the American Music Awards. As the ladies arrived, a swarm of paparazzi unleashed a blinding flashbulb frenzy that lit up the whole neighborhood.

The first thing I’d do if I heard “The Stars Are Blind” or “Toxic” being blasted from the house next door is call the cops. Or maybe a priest who specialized in exorcisms. Or a mafia hitman. Or even that kid Jimmy who took a dump in an old shoe and put it in Principal Roderick’s mailbox last summer. Only I’d replace “dump” with “C-4 explosives” and “mailbox” with “Paris Hilton’s cooter.” That way, everybody wins.

More Britney looking like Cuban prostitute after the jump.

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