Beyonce’s Father Makes Stuff Up
Beyonce’s diva-off with “Dreamgirls” co-star Jennifer Hudson has reportedly become a family affair. TMZ reveals:
During the filming of “Dreamgirls,” [Beyonce's] ever-overbearing [father] Matthew tried to sign Hudson as a management client, only to be rebuffed by the former “American Idol” contestant. Despite her rejection, Matthew went around telling people he’d been representing the breakout star.
For a while, I used to go around telling people crazy stuff just like Matthew Knowles. Stuff like I was a nominee for Supreme Court judge and that the basement of my house was the portal into the rift in the time-space continuum. I also said that I’d had sex with an alien. While George Clooney watched. And then my parents took me to a retreat in the mountains where they gave me special cleansing vitamins and electric “facial stimulation.” They said it was for my complexion. And anyway, I eventually stopped compulsively cutting my own hair and bashing my head against the wall every time I felt confused. I even let all my eyelashes grow back. Maybe Matthew just needs a week at Fairfax County Asylum, too. My skin has never been more radiant.
10 Comments, Comment or Ping
BarbadoSlim
“the basement of my house was the portal into the rift in the time-space continuum.”
Asshole aliens, they told me I had the only one!
Dec 18th, 2006
abby
Did they also tell you they needed you to lie still while they checked your gentials for earthly viruses with their “probiscus?” Those bastards totally scammed us.
Dec 18th, 2006
Dragulf
Now I know what to do with the change Blohan gave me! I’m gonna buy a portal into the rift in the time-space continuum. Doctor Who?
Dec 18th, 2006
Walrus Gumboot
♫ ♪ Oh holy night!
The stars are brightly shining… ♪ ♫
Dec 18th, 2006
oshkoshb'libtardsalad
I was told the portal was IN my genitals! What the darn!?!
Dec 18th, 2006
abby
That must make tampons a no-can-do for ya, then. Do they even make an absorbency for “two hundred light years away?” Because if they do, that’s probably the size Paris Hilton needs.
Dec 18th, 2006
BarbadoSlim
Obviously we’ve been fooled, conned, BAMBOOZLED, we didn’t land on Paris Hilton, her gonorrhea lande ON US!
I propose that a properly coked-up team of regulars here go on a suicide mission to seek out these aliens and deal with this situation. I’m not gonna lie to you, there will be oral, anal, missionary and GODDAMIT even three ways and four ways. I’m not going to send anyone to do something that I’m not willing to do, so, I propose me and four other women. The men will just have to hold on for as long as they can. We already lost Stallion, he’s cooking a big lassagna in the sky.
Dec 18th, 2006
oshkoshb'libtardsalad
God damn, this is more serious than I thought. I will prepare the space lube and intergalactic bukkake clit pincher.
Dec 18th, 2006
BarbadoSlim
“clit pincher” with your permission, I would like to add that to my regular rotation.
Dec 18th, 2006
Italian Stallion
B- shit was good as a motherfucker…………some left too………….
Dec 18th, 2006
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