Much to my dismay, the Golden Globes was not an award show for big breasted porn stars, despite it’s misleading title. It seems the porn awards were actually called, “The 24th Annual Adult Video News Awards,” and they were this past Saturday. So, in short, I wasted what seemed to be seventeen perfectly good hours of my life watching half-wits in fancy dresses congratulate each other on their own greatness, instead of watching “Tea Bagger Vance” and “Backdoor Lambada” like I’d originally planned.

The big winner of the night was “Dreamgirls,” which won Best Musical or Comedy Motion Picture, and earned Eddie Murphy and Jennifer Hudson the Best Supporting Actor/Actress awards. The bastards at the power service shut off my electricity right after that — apparently, writing a bad check to the electric company is “fraudulent” and “illegal” — so if you care to know the rest of who actually won what, you’re gonna have to click here. Now, the only part that makes watching these shows tolerable: making fun of what the celebrities wore.

Part One: The Worst Dressed of the night after the jump.

First up: Cameron Diaz

She looks like she’s molting taffeta. And Jesus Christ Almighty, I hate ruffles. See why Justin dumped her? Grade: F

Next up: Patricia and Rosanna Arquette

I’m pretty sure the material along the bustline of Patricia’s dress is pleather, and I’m pretty sure that ‘do qualifies as a pompadour. Rosana looks like she borrowed her dress from Aunt Pitty Pat at the Atlanta Bazaar. Collective Arquette Grade: D

Next: Tina Fey

I like Tina Fey. I really do. She’s quick-witted and usually looks great. This is the first time I’ve seen her in red carpet wear, though, and I have to say it’s horrible. Short-sleeved… is that paisley? Dwight K. Schrute hair? Ugh. Grade: D

Next: Beyonce

Every last fucking red carpet gown that Beyonce wears is made the same way: what I call “mermaid-style,” which means a fitted bodice that tapers all the way to the knees and then flares back out at the bottom, making it easier for her to stand with one leg permanently crossed in front of the other so she looks skinnier. Nice belly button cut-out. She looks like a high-priced hooker in all that gold spangly shit. The cleavage is a plus, but overall it’s just too much. Grade: D

Next up: Naomi Watts

Well, the color is nice. Jewel tones look better on her than the nudes and beiges she usually wears. Unfortunately, the gold detailing on the dress looks cheap as hell. Like band uniform decor. The dress would have been much better sans the beading. And her makeup is overdone — her face is two shades darker than the rest of her body. Grade: C+

Next: Penelope Cruz

How many times do I have to say quit with the fucking ruffles already?! They’re even sprouting off her shoulders! The dress would have been gorgeous without the fluffly organza layers. Grade: C

Next: Vanessa Minillo

For some reason this chick always looks like a slut. A satiny, orange, bedazzled bridesmaid slut who gets wasted at the wedding and bangs the best man in the coat closet at the reception. Oh, and says the word “fuck” in her toast in front of your grandparents. Grade: C

Next: Sienna Miller

It’s Rapunzel meets The Queen of Hearts! And damn, that’s a shiny T-zone. Blotting papers, Sienna, or pressed powder. And everybody knows cocaine makes you sweaty.

Last of the Worst Dressed: Eva Longoria

Eva has one of those faces that looks like it’d crack if she smiled too wide. Her foundations is too thick, her eyeshadow too dark, her undereye concealer too light, and her lips too pastel. The dress has too much going on with the belt and the velvet and the jeweled embellishments — too much texture, on both her face and her dress. And I hate Eva Longoria, so I’m giving her a “E” for “Egotisitcal Overrated Slut” simply on principle.

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