Jessica Biel Proves Skinny Jeans Are a Mistake
Jessica Biel dined with a friend last week wearing a pair of uber-trendy “skinny jeans.” Jessica has a fantastic body and all, but you’d never know it from those fucking pants. They’re awful. The skinny jean only kinda works on the emaciated and the cadaverous, like Kate Moss or Somalians. If you have any semblance of curves, then skinny jeans are going to make your thighs and ass look gigantic. It’s a fact — have another look at beefcake up there. That probably makes you wonder: which Hollywood trends are actually practicable? I did a little research, and it turns out there are precisely ten trends that you need to get on right now if you want to stay hip.
YEEEAH’S TOP TEN VIABLE HOLLYWOOD TRENDS
10. Black nail polish. (It’s a little bit evil, and evil is sexy.)
9. Bleaching your anus. (Brown-eye is so 2006.)
8. Checking into rehab. (Easy excuse for not coming in to work last month.)
7. Sex tapes. (I think that one’s self-explanatory.)
6. Vicodin chasers. (Life’s better when you can’t feel it!)
5. Checking out of rehab. (Anything that takes a long time isn’t worth doing.)
4. Oversized bags. (Have Birkin bags ever not been cool?)
3. Binging and purging. (Because being fat is just gross.)
2. Metallic flats. (Metallic fabrics mask the barf splatters from vigorous purging or too many Vicodin chasers. A must-have accessory for spring, really.)
and the number one viable trend in Hollywood :
1. Golden showers. (Everybody from John Mayer to Ray-J is making urine sexy again!)
More of Jessica and her frumpy pants after the jump.
21 Comments, Comment or Ping
RichPort
She likes to eat out without leaving the house.
Feb 22nd, 2007
abby
I like to “eat” at the “Y.”
Feb 22nd, 2007
RichPort
I hear whenever she goes to a home aplliance store all of the Hoovers and Dysons mysteriously and spontaneously turn on, even when unplugged.
Feb 22nd, 2007
RichPort
If I had a bullet for everytime I mispelled shit, I’d be 50 cent today… only prettier and not closet gay.
Feb 22nd, 2007
nrrvus
Did you see her on Ellen the other day, shaking her ass dancing for a full minute, Ellen was pretending not to want to eat her all day long, but I wasn’t buying it, Jessica was turning her on.
Feb 22nd, 2007
juliet
I like hating on celebs as much as the next person but I seriously hope you’re kidding about her looking fat. I think she looks good! Well.. except she could use some makeup.
Feb 22nd, 2007
BarbadoSlim
Jessica Biel, gigantic ass you say?
Sorry but I’m just not getting what the problem is.
Feb 22nd, 2007
Matty
So where are the pics that make “any semblance of curves, then skinny jeans are going to make your thighs and ass look gigantic”? She’s gorgeous.
Feb 22nd, 2007
Curlybob
Jessica would look great in a potato sack
Feb 22nd, 2007
Jughed
I think she looks great.
Feb 23rd, 2007
bionic bunny
rich, you and i could probably make a mint at mispelling and bad grammar between us.
you see something cute and fuzzy in your future???
Feb 23rd, 2007
abby
You guys are such pussies. I love Jessica Biel. I clearly stated, “Jessica has a fantastic body” in the above post. All I’m saying is that those particular jeans aren’t flattering. They more than double the width of her thighs and hit too high on the waist, looking very eighties and matronly all at once.
She needed to tight roll those pants and bust out a Hyper-Color t-shirt. And crimp her hair.
Feb 23rd, 2007
Lin
I’d like to see her out of those skinny jeans, but for an entirely different reason!
Feb 23rd, 2007
Amber
Hey body is fyah but the high waist is not working…skinny jeans looks good on a body like hers minus the flab around the waist. Now no curves like Nicole Ritchie, Paris, Christina Ricci etc = unsexy!! if the thighs don’t touch, leave skinny jeans alone!
Feb 23rd, 2007
MadMan
Skinny jeans are just outright nasty.
Just because the ubiquitous “they” say they are fashionable or trendy doesn’t mean you have to wear it.
Feb 23rd, 2007
mickey
I guess we are so conditioned to seeing skeletal celebutantes that when someone with a healthy figure shows up, she is considered “fat.” That’s really unfortunate. Jessica looks fine in those pants, I personally don’t even find them unflattering on her. I find the incessant picking on celebrities over a size 0 by people who probably look no better themselves way more unflattering.
Feb 24th, 2007
Trilbynhiss
God she’s gorgeous! I’ve got a big ole girl crush on her.
Feb 25th, 2007
SomeGirl
I think she looks great in those jeans. There’s nothing “matronly” about them.
High waists are coming back too, it’s part of the whole Nautical/Pin-Up Girl look that’s hot right now.
[url]http://www.style.com/trends/trend_report/011507[/url]
Apr 4th, 2007
lezzie
*thumb down* but I still fancy her
Apr 16th, 2007
RandomPerson
I think she looks okay, but im not a big fan of those jeans either. To be honest I liked it better when people wore jean flares.
May 10th, 2007
shamara
what the hell she looks hot and high waist are so in right now and f.y.i so is the whole 80’s look!
Sep 17th, 2007
Reply to “Jessica Biel Proves Skinny Jeans Are a Mistake”