If I told you I’d discovered a way to make a lesbian kiss boring, you’d probably raise one eyebrow and let out a “harumph” of disbelief while polishing your monacle. Well, it’s true, I tell you. The secret to ruining a lesbian kiss isn’t ugly fat chicks or amputees — it’s Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston. The only way the season finale of “Dirt” could have been any more boring was if it included a brief history of the Dewey Decimal system. Followed by a documentary on soil erosion. No, you’re right — that’d probably still be better than watching these two hens pecking at each other.

I don’t know how old this picture of Mariah Carey is. I also don’t know why somebody with thighs that massive would wear a skirt so short, but we’re not here to ponder the mysteries of life. We’re here to look at celebrity beaver. And this, my friends, is not celebrity beaver. It’s celebrity asscrack and butt flappage. Sorry. It probably could have been if those ham hocks of hers hadn’t gotten in the way, so blame the fatty.

But I did come across this picture of Marissa Tomei uncrossing her legs. Technically celebrity beaver, even if she had the good sense to wear underpants with a skirt. It’s — oh, I heard that, missy! Quit your bitching! You all can go straight to hell then! It’s the best I could do on a Wednesday, alright? Geez. I try and I try. Pearls before swine, I tell you what. I know just how that Jesus Christ must have felt during the Sermon on the Mount. Ungrateful blasphemers!

This kind of disappointing reveal after the jump.

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Britney Spears was photographed yesterday on her way to Barefoot’s Restaurant looking much better than she’s looked in a while. She’s dropped a few pounds; her dress actually fits; and I didn’t notice any Kool-Aid or Cheeto stains on it — a significant improvement from a week ago. Relatively speaking, of course. It’s like the difference between stepping on a dried-up old dog turd or stepping into a fresh patty of poo. Both disgusting, but one decidedly less disgusting than the other. That said, I’d still have sex with Bea Arthur before I’d let that steaming pile of fat and crazy anywhere near me.

More of a less disgusting Britney after the jump.

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Wynonna Judd’s husband is a child molester. There’s a country song in the making. (I’m Not Obsessed)

Tupac Shakur’s post-humous documentary will give you a new perspective on West Coast thuggery. (Pajiba)

Goldie Hawn’s tits are old and saggy. (Drunken Stepfather)

Paris Hilton finally has the small pussy she’s always wanted. (MollyGood)

Will Ferrel’s moose knuckle. (CityRag)

Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends are lookin’ a little fugly. (Use My Computer)

My spin on Justin Timberlake’s glamourousness. ( AOL Music’s The Glamorous Life of Justin Timberlake )

Tori Spelling’s brother popped Paris Hilton’s cherry. (Seriously? OMG)

Lindsay Lohan has a new penis love in her life — musician James Blunt. That’s “Blunt,” not “Cunt,” although I see how you could easily be confused. According to MSNBC :

James Blunt and the “Mean Girls” star were spotted leaving a Hollywood nightclub together. Lohan tried to hide from onlookers under her coat — and fan sites about the starlet are buzzing that they spent the night at Lohan’s place. Blunt has most recently been linked with model Petra Nemcova — and Lindsay with a slew of men, from Jude Law to Calum Best — but gushes one fan, “[Blunt and Lohan] are even being called a couple now.”

One time I was in Victoria’s Secret, doing a little lingerie shopping, and there was this girly-haired weirdo lingering around one of the panty tables. At first I thought he was some kind of sex pervert, but upon further inspection, I realized it was actually James Blunt. And I instantly knew who those panties were for. So I crept up behind him, and when he bent over to lovingly caress a pair of pink Brazilian cut bikini briefs, I grabbed the two belt loops on either side of his pants and pulled with all my might. Down came the pants, and out came… a vagina. Turns out wasn’t actually James Blunt, but a twelve year old girl shopping with her mother. Boy, was that ever hard to explain to my parole officer. Not my best day, that’s for sure.

Some candids of Lohan shopping after the jump.

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If you thought it was impossible for a 6′1″ black basketball player to look like a giant pussy, prepare to be wowed like never before — Tony Parker is trying his hand at rap. Page Six reports:

Tony Parker’s new rap record sounds like unhip-hop to us. The San Antonio Spur and fiancé of “Desperate Housewives” star Eva Longoria yesterday released his debut album, “Balance-toi,” in which he’s heard bragging in French about his lavish lifestyle. Some of the less-than-impressive lyrics translate as: “What, you want to dance? No, it’s not worth it. Me, I’ll stay on the sofa, enjoying the vibe by raising my arms.”

That’s got the dope rythm and the fresh flava of Borat singing a Christmas carol. French people just shouldn’t attempt rap. Or world wars, for that matter. “They call me Tony P! My penis is most impressive! Ladies often congregate while I recline on my chair! Je suis un beau papillon! I have many diamonds!” Enjoy the linguistic stylings of the crappiest rapper to come straight outta Marseilles, yeaux.

It’s common knowledge that if boobies refuse to get any bigger, the only thing to do is punish them into submission. Like Hilary Duff with her dress at the GLAAD Awards here. Nipple clamps and a cat o’ nine tails work, too, or a hot curling iron if your dungeon happens to be low on S & M toys. Show those little bastards who’s boss!

More of Hilary’s boobies after the jump

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Jessica Simpson, en route to becoming the next Angelina Jolie, spent the past weekend visiting an orphanage in Mexico. Perez Hilton says:

During her trip on Sunday to the Casa Hogar Elim orphanage in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico, Jessica Simpson donated a minivan that she had gotten for free. You know, out of the kindness of her heart and so she wouldn’t have to pay taxes on [it]. Jessica also brought the kiddies some… Pro Activ, the acne treatment she pimps out in those infomercials.

If there’s one plight Americans gloss over entirely, it’s orphan acne. It’s a serious problem. Not as serious as, say, tapeworms or rickets, but still a pretty big problem. I can’t tell you how many children I’ve seen hanging their heads in shame as they shuffled along in the orphanage lunch line, too embarrassed by their whiteheads to ask for a little more bread and gruel or a bowl without roaches in it. I hope this wakes you up. You need to stop frittering your money away on stuff like “immunizations” and “dental care” for the children, and start thinking about their need for clear skin and the confidence that accompanies a sparkling complexion.

Alessandra Ambrosio, just because she’s a fox. (The Bastardly)

Scarlett Johansson and her boobs do Vogue. (Egotastic)

Kid Rock finds himself a new model to hick all over. (About: Celebrity Gossip)

Her leg might be fake, but Heather Mills’ cameltoe is definitely real. (IBBB)

Michael Jackson trades “Leprechaun World” for a 50-ft high robot version of himself. (Defamer)

Jeremy Piven is a giant douche. (BWE)

Bruce Willis seen swallowing a mouthful of Courtney Love. (Celebitchy)

Dr. Joshua Perper went forward this morning to formally announce the cause of former Playmate Anna Nicole Smith’s death. As earlier reported by Star and The Enquirer, an infection in her buttock and a combination of several different types of drugs resulted in her untimely death. TMZ reports:

Dr. Perper says the injection that caused the buttock infection did not in and of itself cause her death. The abscess [had broken] open, but it was not the linchpin of her death. Still, it created significant health issues for Smith. Dr. Perper… found multiple injections in the left buttock and it appeared a needle perforated an abscess and caused the infection that led to a high fever. Dr. Perper concluded was combined drug intoxication, including anxiety and depression medication, valium, ativan and antihistamine. She also had chloral hydrate, which was the major component in her death.

Anna Nicole Smith’s autopsy report also bizarrely reveals that her “anus is unremarkable.”

Oh, how embarrassing. God forbid my obituary include something as shameful as an “unremarkable anus.” If anything, my gravestone will read, “Here lies Abby, wife, mother, and friend, anus unparalleled in the known cosmos.” And there’ll be something about my tits and my DSL’s, but I haven’t quite figured out the wording yet.

I don’t know how this could have possibly escaped me for so long, but actress Halle Berry has a wonky eye. And some serious flyaways and a little bit of a crazy-lady vibe, too, but definitely a wonky eye. I’m usually so distracted by her awesome rack that I wouldn’t have ever noticed, but when you come across a photo of her without the boobies, you see that eye right away. It’s not just the angle, either. Check out the other pictures of her at The Jenesse Centers Silent Fashion Runway Show — make sure you don’t get distracted by her chest — and you’ll see what I mean. I said DON’T look at her chest, dummy! No! Wait! Don’t — oh, God… This isn’t really the best time to get that out, you know… Geez. Here we go again. I’ll just go ahead and phone the corporate lawyers and the cops and save you a little time to finish up. Pervert.

More of wonky Halle after the jump.

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Britney Spears made her first public outing since checking out of Promises rehabilitation center last week, looking as glamorous and put-together as you’d expect. People magazine reports:

Britney Spears… left home Friday night in a pair of nude fishnet stockings with dance boots, black hot pants, a black long-sleeved shirt and baseball cap over her dark brown wig to take a hip-hop class at the Millennium Dance Complex in North Hollywood.

Mmm-mmm. Britney in fishnets and hot pants. And jumping around, trying to be sexy. Hang on a minute while I go and change my panties. Then yesterday, because the fun with Brit-Brit just don’t stop, she capped off the weekend with a visit to the ER. According to TMZ:

Britney Spears was admitted to Century City Hospital [yesterday] for some emergency work on one of her teeth. Sources [say] that Spears checked in because she was experiencing significant pain in one of her molars. Spears’ rep said that the stories on other internet sites that Spears is in a tailspin are WRONG — “They’re all wrong, she just went to the dentist. She had a toothache, I have no more details.”

Of course! Ludicrous! Britney in a “tailspin?” Next you’re going to tell me she shaved herself bald and started whacking people with umbrellas. Utterly preposterous, I tell you. Who knows what those crazy internet bloggers are going to say next! Instigators!

More of radiant post-rehab Britney after the jump.

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